My Purple Brain

Hair Post - december

2011-12-27T13:22:00.000-08:00

JC of The Natural Haven put up a post http://thenaturalhaven.blogspot.com/2011/12/are-you-happy-with-your-hair.html#comment-form asking if readers were happy with their hair. She gave us 4 questions to answer which I really liked 'cos it forces me to review my hair journey so far. Here goes

1. Your texture - It's alright I guess. I don't think I am in love with it. I have Nigerian hair. It is 4b or a...not sure, fine strands. Wish my hair was mega thick and not so wiry. However, in it's natural state it is thicker than when straight so happy with that part. Always had to keep bumping my hair when straight so it won't look so flat against my scalp.

2. Your products (or knowledge of what products you should pick to suit your hair's needs)- After 3yrs being natural (counting from last texturizer in 2008), I am still struggling with the right products but I feel like I am closer and closer. I am half minded about Henna (supposed to be good for strengthening, thickening and conditioning). But it is so messy and time consuming. I have tried different products for washing (black soap, karen BB or curls), styling (afroveda, KKK, gels), conditioning (herbal essence, natural oils, aloe vera juice, many other brands) but my goal is to simplify, consolidate into 1 brand, and stop being a product junkie. I just tried keracare natural textures for the first time and think I may have found it! I also tried hot oil treatments for the first time twice and loved it. So now I am thinking of eliminating henna or doing henna gloss only, because of question 3, and hopefully will be able to stick with just keracare natural textures as my brand and hot oil treatments.

3. Your techniques (i.e are you happy and confident with your wash day and styling?) - No No No. I still lose a noticeable amount of hair during wash days, and even more so when I henna monthly. I think because my fine, type 4 strands are already prone to tangling and breakage, and to get henna out properly i have to wash the hair loose multiple times. I also wonder if henna is too heavy for my fine strands. Unlike others, I feel like on non-henna wash days when I put the hair in 6 loose twists, and get out of the shower and unravel the hair, there is still conditioner/shampoo within the twist unlike when i do it loose. I don't know what I am doing wrong. The best wash day I have had was last week, when I tried a hot oil tmt for the first time, but I also tried keracare natural textures cleansing cream so i don't know what helped. I still lost a little hair though. I am happy with my styling, especially twist outs.

4. Your length (are you able to maintain or gain length?)- After 3 yrs of being natural, I feel stuck in a rut. The rut of 6-8 inches, which it takes some people less than a year to achieve. Well to give myself some slack, I have had 3 major trims. The first 2 because of texturizing twice, so as my hair grew, the ends got thin. Most recent trim was August 26 'cos my ends were just so tangly, I don't think i had trimmed in more than a year. The best thing I feel i have discovered is crotchet braids, the modern kind :) as a protective style. If any of you are looking for a way to have curly extensions without sewing, gluing or tiny cornrows, youtube crotchet braids and be amazed! I hope crotcheting for my protective styles helps me retain length and not damage my edges.

I will post quarterly updates ...maybe, just to see if I am making progress.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2011-12-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

Grant us, Father, hearts of worship
At this time of Jesus’ birth;
We would see anew His glory
Shine throughout this sin-cursed earth. —D. De Haan

I hope you guys are having a wonderful christmas days, especially those of you lucky enough to be spending it with your immediate families. As for me I am chilling here at home, will do some studying, drink some wine, talk on the phone with loved ones. I was just reflecting on how awesome xmas was when I lived in Nigeria. We would go to church in our brand new clothes, which I actually liked on that day (hated going to church as a kid) 'cos I loved the christmas songs. We would then feast at home, receive some visitors, and also find time to visit others. Frankly, i don't know how our stomachs supported all the feasting. If we happened to be in the village there would be masquerades to see and palm wine to drink. We also got simple Christmas gifts which in retrospect I think is awesome, 'cos xmas for me does not center around gifts as is the culture here. There's been all sorts of ruckus in the news about that. Fedex getting in trouble for the way gifts were being delivered, spouses contemplating divorce because the appropriate gift was not given, children being belligerent in stores.

Thankfully, that is all balanced out by news of charitable people and charitable events. Something about xmas brings out the humanity and charity of others unlike any other religious holiday. That should tell you something about the behind the scenes power of God even in those that don't believe. Makes me smile. When I think of xmas, I think of festivity with friends and loved ones. I actually can't wait to build traditions, decorate, feast with my own future family one day. Till that day comes, I will enjoy this time God has given me to have a quiet, joyful xmas where I don't have to shower or cook anything unless I want to :)

Lastly, i just want to remember the Amajor, Emengini and Oyelowo families who have tragically lost young loved ones this season. I also remember my baby's friend who is suffering from throat cancer. I hope Christmas brings renewed faith, love and hope for all these families.

Tosin

2011-12-15T07:31:00.000-08:00

So yesterday a link was posted on the internet which is slowly but surely becoming viral:

helpbringtosinhome.com

A very scary, unfortunate sounding case. People have responded by trying to make the linkand case public. However, now this case has gotten weird. A supposed detective ( i see no reason why he would lie) left this comment:

DETECTIVE'S COMMENT: "My name is Detective David Osborne and I’m investigating this case. We have been in constant contact with Tosin’s family regarding the investigation. They are upset about individuals making speculations and posting comments, which are simply untrue. This type of behavior does not help them through this very difficult process, nor does it help the investigation. If anyone has information they can call me personally at 843-720-2395. I will not respond to any comments."

AND THEN THE FAMILY FRIEND OLUBUNMI'S COMMENT:"My name is Olubunmi K and I am a good friend of Tosin { }. I am writing to request that you take down the post regarding Tosin. There are quite a few inaccuracies in the report, and at this very sensitive time, we are asking that everyone respect her family's wishes, including taking down this post. Thank you for your sensitivity and cooperation.
Sincerely,
Bunmi"

AM I MISSING SOMETHING? IF YOU LOOK AT AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF THE COMMENTS, PEOPLE HAVE NOT MADE ANY INSINUATIONS OR NEGATIVE COMMENTS OR SPECULATIONS. THE ONLY SPECULATION COULD BE: http://www.postandcourier.com/news/2011/dec/10/no-sign-found-of-reported-ravenel-bridge-jumper/
SINCE HER CAR WAS SUPPOSEDLY FOUND ABANDONED WITH THE KEYS IN IT, BUT NOTHING NEGATIVE WAS SAID WHEN I SAW THAT COMMENT JUST ANOTHER PLEA TO PLS FIND HER. WHETHER THE WOMAN OFF THE BRIDGE IS TOSIN OR NOT, NO ONE KNOWS AND THAT IS NOT TTHE ISSUE, THE CRUX OF THE ISSUE IS FINDING HER!

AGAIN I SAY, THE VAST MAJORITY OF RESPONSES HAVE BEEN PRAYERS AND SUGGESTIONS AND EFFORTS TO FIND TOSIN. COMMENTS FROM FRIEND AND DETECTIVE MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THEY DON'T WANT US TO DO SO AND THAT IS CONFUSING THE HECK OUT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things that I loved today

2011-08-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

1) This pic. These women look so lovely with their hair. I typically don't like blonde hair jobs on people of color, but oh my God the blonde afro is freaking fierce!

source: http://breegant.tumblr.com/post/8657862163/i-know-i-posted-something-from-this-shoot-but-it

2) These songs: Dbanj's Oliver grew on me; freaking love the beat. Still repeating Naeto C's Afurum gi nanya and One republic's Good Life on my playlist.

A night out

2011-08-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

Hi peeps, so yesterday was my girl's bridal shower plus bachelorette party. The bridal shower was fun except that it was hosted by her Caucasian coworkers and we her Nigerian friends were invited. I was post call yesterday so i slept most of the day and when i woke up, hadn't eaten and was already running late to the shower. But i figured there would be food there, and apparently so did the other Nigerian guests, boy were we wrong lol. There were cup cakes, alcohol, fruit tray and chocolate covered strawberries. Some of my Nigerian friends went a little overboard making side comments like "being allergic to hunger" etc. It didn't seem like our hostess understood the snide comments thanks to the accent....at least I hope. Bridal showers are becoming my new favorite thing. Why? Because a group of women can get together to gist, have R-rated conversation, eat and best of all; play games. I love playing games and at regular parties no one wants to play games anymore like scrabble, taboo, charades et al. Interestingly, one of my friends there, she is 29 had never seen a condom. So they opened up one for her and were explaining and showing it to her and she was marveled. I couldn't help wondering if this was one of those Nigerian; "i am a good girl" acts or was she really that innocent. Oh well.

After the shower we headed out for the bachelorette party and really that is what is prompting this blog post, because I feel like I have lost it. Lost what? I don't know, my youth or something lol. Being at the bar/dance club was just "ok". I kept feeling like I was going through the motions of trying to have fun. Maybe it was the music. I felt like only 1 out of 8 songs would actually get my adrenaline going and before I could fully enjoy it, the Djay would switch. He was one of those djays that would play most songs for like 30 secs or less and lead into another. Then of course he did that thing which 95% of djays do, where they play this string of what seems to be classic old school songs. The crowd always yells enthusiastically and everyone bursts out their old school moves, except for me. I HATE old school songs. If they want to take it back, they should play Michael Jackson. I wish I could tell you the names of the songs and you would know what I was talking about. Then there was the crowd...irritating. I got beer spilled on me, got stepped on, had some strange girl trying to dance with me maybe she thought I was gay or she was drunk, lots of people trying to have sex on the dance floor, weird smells. Plus I was still hungry, my thoughts wandered to my couch, a bottle of wine, ice cream, sushi and a good movie, and that freaked me out. Shit! Have I become old?

But honestly when I think of fun things now, dancing is still included but I like the music at salsa clubs/lounges better, traveling because I LOVE sight seeing, eating out, shows, plays, spoken word, festivals, live music, something physical like hiking or paintball and other things that I haven't tried like snorkeling, jet skiing, camping.

Happenings of the week

2011-07-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

1) Interesting news items:
-listened to the 911 call by the Olympic skier who committed suicide. It was surreal and sad.
-Lauryn hill having a 6th child by an unknown baby daddy. She is a supposed icon of female empowerment, but to me she seems weird and damaged or maybe just an enigma.
-another young Nigerian woman possibly murdered by her husband. who poisoned Tola Spiff?
-Giorgio Armani's body at age 77 http://lindaikeji.blogspot.com/2011/07/goh-how-can-this-be-body-of-77-year-old.html

2) Tami Roman. One of Taynement's pet peeves is grown women/people that act retarded and I never fully grasped how annoying it could be until I watched this weeks episode of Basketball Wives. Tami just makes me want to scream!!!! She is probably in her 40s and is sooooo venomous to everyone, her daughters, strangers, friends, just so quick to pick a fight. Her 2 lows for me was when Meeka apologized and she said "yeah I heard her but this don't mean the drama between us is over" and then when she slapped Meeka at the club. Come on people! This was just worse than the childish shenanigans of the New Housewives of New Jersey and that is saying a lot. Oh yeah...i am a sucker for Reality TV :)

3) Big events. At each stage of life there are big events that are celebrated left, right and center. I remember celebrating my 10th birthday, as well as being invited to lots of 10yr old parties. Next was graduations from college. Left, right and center, everyone was graduating and celebrating. Now it's all about weddings and first babies. In fact, I called my good friend Jade this week after not talking to her for a month, and the first thing she says is "what, you are engaged?" and I was like "whoa. hi, how are you?" but then retrospectively i guess that makes sense. So after this whole marriage, baby, age group passes, what will be the next big event?

4) There is always some new fad out there. Some of them have been beneficial and some not so much. My newest experiment is the oil rinse face washing method. Check out http://crunchybetty.com/nitty-gritty-on-the-oil-cleansing-method and http://www.theoilcleansingmethod.com/ Now any of you who know me personally, know that I struggle with acne. Adult acne is so not cute! I was about to book an appointment with a dermatologist this week (always had one except for when i moved to bigtown, OH) when I stumbled on this article. Well, I decided there was no harm in trying. Day 1 - my biggest zit reduced in size. maybe it would have done this anyway, but at least it didn't get bigger from being clogged with oil lol. But the most notable thing for me, after just one day, is that by evening time, i thought to myself, shoot i forgot to use my oil wipes today ( i have such oily skin that i sheen and radiate grease 2 hrs into my morning despite my cleansing and oil free Aveeno moisturizer) and this was like 7pm. So I went to the mirror and my face was not oily or sheening or dry, it just looked...normal. All I had done was, the oil rinse (used olive oil and castor) the night before, rinsed my face in the morning in the shower (no soap or cleansers), applied sunscreen, and then my bare minerals powder. Day 2 (castor and jojoba)- still no new gazillion breakouts. Big zit is essentially flat.

5) Do you? I do. As in, yeah I have people on facebook that I want to delete but I feel I have to wait for a few weeks to pass since i just added them not too long ago. One of them is this my family friend who keeps posting what seems like 100 inane status updates. I hate when I get on my newsfeed and it's cluttered with his status updates that I don't give 2 cents about. For example: "VENEZUELA: Prez Hugo Chavez vows to stay in power till 2031. 20 years more to go............................................You see why I was praying for him to recover from his cancer treatment. So that among the world leaders, there will be Our Hugo to keep the comedy going!!!!!!!!!!" I really don't give a F$%*...so yeah looking fwd to when i can discretely delete him and others with their stupid statuses or people that I haven't talked to in years. Oh yeah, that is something about me, I hate clutter. I constantly delete emails, texts, pictures, throw away clothes, documents, receipts, keepsakes.....anything that I can. I do have moments of regret, because I end up needing something and I can't find it. Like recently, I threw away my old BLS (basic life support) certification because it had expired and then when it came time to renew it, of course turned out one of the things they needed was my old certificate...lol. Thank God eventually they let me proceed without it.

6) Thanks to the best gift ever :) I will be going to Nigeria in September after a decade and I am so excited and a little anxious. So if you guys are the praying type, please pray my trip goes well and that I actually return safely.

7) The Nigerian Blog awards are over and done with right? I ask because I saw what seemed to be results of the Nigerian Blog awards on the most random blog ever. I wondered if it was real because the winners were all people I had never heard of except for Modern African Cuisine. But it seems lots of regulars have stopped blogging, I mean where in the world is Solomon Sydelle...I miss her TTEC and kids' antics. In true declutterer fashion, this week I deleted/cleaned up my blog roll. Bye bye kpakpando, baroque, enkay, aphrodite and all my fav old bloggers. Solomon sydelle, Geebee, Kate, Jade, still giving you guys a chance....lol. Thank you regular bloggers like Taynement, GNG, lucidlitlith, sofull sistah. Thanks to the awards I added Ms Chutzpah's blog and can't wait to delve in.

Have a great weekend.

A perfect day

2011-07-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

What would the components of a perfect regular day be for you?

Mine would comprise of:

-waking up after noon
-long hot shower
-cooperative hair
-perfect dump in the toilet while reading a good novel (gross i know :))
-my favorite meals
-compliments
-buying something i wanted without worrying about the money spent
-long soulful discussion with the one i love
-a good movie or my favorite TV show
-touching someone's life positively
-going to bed late

I was going to choose a topic from that 30 day challenge thing that Sting started. Was it sting or stand? lol. Anyways, I got sidetracked by daydreaming of a perfect day, so next time.

Perceptions

2011-06-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

Many arguments stem from wrong perceptions.

I would like to know if what I do makes sense to anyone or only me? I lost some weight last month and now I am trying to gain some back. One big part is that I don't like breakfast. Eating food in the morning often makes me feel nauseated. There are some mornings that I do eat, but they are few and far between, and I needed something for breakfast that was consistent. So I figured, well I love drinking (tea, juice) in the morning so I could drink something that has more nutrients and calories and got slimfast shakes. Well my friend saw me drinking a slimfast shake for breakfast and they thought I was trying to lose weight (understandably).

However, I explained that actually I wasn't. Explained my struggle with breakfast and when i went to walmart and asked for the milk shake section, there were only 2 kinds: slimfast and kelloggs. They both had the same amount of calories and nutrients except slimfast was cheaper so I got that. I also explained that I often try to take something else along in case it was a day that I had a craving to eat. So sometimes for breakfast, I would have slimfast plus a croissant and bacon or slimfast plus some snack. Is that not more calories/nutrition than not eating any breakfast?

Anyways, since the name "slimfast" sends off a message, i have still been on the look out for more breakfast substitutes. I recently found smoothie juices like the brand "naked" and have been using that. Then this week I found out about "boost" and "ensure" and got those as well although it makes me feel weird because that is what old people take apparently that don't eat enough. Anyways, my friend makes certain comments from time to time about me drinking slimfast that gives me the impression that they think I am secretly being a "woman" trying to lose weight while saying I am trying to gain weight.

So yeah, does this make sense?

Another day

2011-05-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

-my current "attending"/boss and I do not get along. Today, he basically told my senior that the whole team sucks, and I am the least performing of my peers. He is a chauvinistic pig and I can't wait to evaluate him come month's end.

-please please...just a tiny glimpse of the future i ask

-I am on a fattening diet. Just want to gain about 10 pounds but it is proving to be harder than i expected. I had a stressful month in April, and when I am stressed my appetite dies. My stress is better this month and I do have appetite but my body seems to be taking longer to catch up. Don't shoot me, but it is hard to eat unhealthily, unless I eat out daily, which I can't afford to do since I am saving for something. The major source of carbs i like here are fries, pasta, ice cream and rice. I feel i could eat fries daily, but i can get bored with rice, icecream, pasta. I don't like most American pastries, bread, desserts.

- It is interesting how siblings can have the same childhood and turn out differently. I came here 10yrs ago when my brothers were still kids. Now when I talk to them over the phone, they are men but they are all different. Who would have known bro 1 would be this idealist, trying to make the world better? who would have known bro 2 would be the most religious of us? who would have known bro 3 and the youngest would be practically married?

- haven't felt like talking to my friend who got married. She sent an email to all the bridesmaids appreciating everyone except me and I am like you ungrateful heifer, please refund my ticket.

- Does anyone else think life is hard? Just when you think you have stuff figured out, stuff happens to show you that you have no idea. The fact that we go through hardship does reinforce to me that there has to be something after we die. Why go through suffering or life lessons et al and get stronger only to die into nothingness?

- I shall be experiencing paintball for the first time ever this weekend. I am excited. Some physical activity should be good for my endorphins.

- reading a song of fire and ice series, pretty good stuff

- you guys seen this article? does the world's supposed view of you matter as much as how you view yourself?

http://www.scribd.com/doc/55554853/Untitled

An article

2011-04-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

Happy Good Friday

I read an interesting article by Omel Oconnor. She says:

The main reason relationships are so challenging to us is because it is one of those things you can not control. To some extent you can control your job, you can control some things within the limits of your human power but the one thing you can not guarantee is the reaction of another individual, hence the frustration. The frustration is not exactly because we want to control others; it is our fear of fully exercising our faith. Love is an act of faith. It involves putting yourself out there not knowing if the other person will be there to catch you.

I remember my first love and the intensity, and my belief that I could conquer anything. Why does love inspire us to feel so on top of the world, so powerful and unafraid of anything? Just the mere fact that there is someone out there who believes in us is enough to make our hearts soar. Someone is willing to say "I trust you with all my heart". Even kids who experience this unwavering commitment from their parents do much better in general. However believing in someone is simply a conviction that might be based on a gut feeling, evidence or even delusions. Faith is taking it a step further. It is belief that, in spite of the evidence, that what you first saw when you chose your partner is still there and trusting that you were right when you made the decision.

When love loses this act of faith, then comes the hurt and the disappointment. Relationships go through ups and downs and sometimes the down is not just a boxing ring it is full blown war. Do not be fooled by the down periods because in them lie great opportunity to take love back to its magical level. It just requires one more time that you give up control, and exercise your faith believing that the breeding ground for miracles is a war zone full of people with good intentions. Hope does not have to be strong to be effective. It can be a tiny flicker in a place of darkness but still mighty in its impact.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/4039675

self lyric

2011-04-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

my body my mind my spirit my self my mind my thoughts my truths my lies my dreams my hopes my love my fears my sorrows my tears my laughter my anger my worries my hurt my belief my heart my soul

explodes from me and screams silently

one blessed day

silence, peace, renewal

Decade Numero Quatro

2011-04-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

These cobwebs will not take over my bloggy woggy. what has been going on with me? Not much, which is why this space has been stale.

Early March, it was Happy 30th Birthday to me and the beginning of my 4th decade of life. Wow, I can't believe how time flew. I remember turning 19 like it was yesterday, and 30 seemed like some abstract futuristic faraway age in the 2000s. Strangely, now that I have turned 30 and I imagine 40 it seems freakishly close. Yes, I did have a brief moment of insanity/panic the day before my birthday when I realized the last hours of being 20-something were ending. But on that day, I woke up and smiled. I looked at the world, and looked at myself and things were the same, which was comforting. I spent my birthday in Boston with the one that stole my heart. It was interesting because it was the first birthday not spent with family or friends. It was a pretty awesome day. During that trip, I also learnt some lessons which I will hold dear for life.

My friend is getting married and I am one of her bridesmaids, so we went to go try on dresses at Alfred Angelo. I was dreading the event and the place was an hr away in Dayton. It actually ended up being really fun!!! She is such a funny girl, so real, and loud. For example she regaled us with how she came to the store with her mom to pick the wedding dress and she was drawn to an ivory dress and her mom, in dramatic naija-mom style, said no daughter of hers was NOT going to wear white...the family name, the implications of wearing a nonwhite dress. It was hilarious. Anyways, she had the Men are from mars bk in her purse and that is how I got to reading it. She looked simply gorgeous in her dress and ours looked good too, until she said she wanted our dress color to be yellow with pink trimming. I was like dang there goes my plan for wearing this pretty dress again. Hope she doesn't stumble unto my blog. I love the style though :)

Keeping my fingers crossed for September and Nigeria. Pls prayer warriors pray for me that this is my year to visit.

I read the book "Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus". It was actually pretty good, and I wrote some notes. I daresay I found it even more helpful than the Five Love Languages. How come there are so many books, articles, about male and female relationships out there? Are we really that different? Someone posted this "she needs to know" thing onfacebook and I told my boo to substitute "he" for "she" and most of it applied to him too. Anyways isn't this cool?

She needs to know...

What you mean when you say that you love her

If it means you have accepted her wholeheartedly

And do not compare her to another

She needs to know...

That she can count on you to support her

She can be sure you mean things when you say them

That you'll do your utmost just to be there

And to value the things that she holds dear

She needs to know...

That when you argue it's not a sign of the end

That a difference in opinion does not alter the way you feel about her

That you'll stay by her side even when there's a fight

And you'll be her friend, not just her lover

She needs to know...

That she can count on you to protect her

From harm, and the fears that she faces

That you'll fight every one of them with her

And ensure you defeat them together

She needs to know...

That you'll be friend, brother and father

You'll be honest, even when it'll cost you

That you'll tell her the truth, even though it may hurt

So she'll always know that she can trust you

She needs to know...

That what you want out of life are the best things

The things which make one truly wealthy

God, family, friends and a good name

The worth all of which can't be measured

She needs to know...

She can tell you all of her secrets

She can share every one of her struggles

She can just be herself, because that's who you love

And no one else on earth can replace her

She needs to know...

That to you she's breathtakingly beautiful

That your life wouldn't be quite the same without her

That you're glad she's your girl

And you are proud as hell

To show her off to the whole wide world

She needs to know...

That what she does makes you truly happy

That you appreciate all that she gives you

That the look in her eyes tugs the strings of your heart

And makes you just want to be her hero

She needs to know...

That you'll be there even in the future

That she'll grow old with you right next to her

That the love that you promise will last a lifetime

And will not wane, but wax even stronger

She needs to know...

She wont be The First but The Only

So she can take a leap

Pledge her heart to you

Only

Always

Truly

Forever

She needs to know...

WRITTEN by Lesijolu Adegbeye, not me oh!

Money...or the lack thereof

2011-02-14T15:18:00.000-08:00

This post was inspired by GNG's post about money. Sometimes I wonder if coming over to the States was a mistake and if I should have just stayed in Nigeria because my life may be easier and I wouldn't be missing out on my family. However, I know that coming to this country has made me a better person because it taught me a lesson in humility and how to enjoy life as a poor person. I learned to see beyond the materialistic worldview that is Nigeria.

Growing up back home, we were not rich, just your typical average middle class family but I don't remember lacking for anything. And this is going to sound really weird, but I didn't really notice poor people. It was just such a normal part of life to have beggars on the street, shoemakers, househelps and such, and I never cared about them or their lives. One of my dreams then was to appear in Ovation or Lagos City people.

Well coming here, I expected life to continue as I knew it, I would go to college and have my family take care of my finances. WRONG! First of all, my parents couldn't afford expenses that were in dollars, secondly, my aunt (my guardian at that time) announced after my first semester of college that I needed to find a job to cover my dorm fees. I was like what???? I even cried sef, but then realized that unless I found a job, I would have to live with her and give up "fun" , lol. So yeah, in the year 2000, at age the tender age of 18 by Nigerian working standards, I was baptized into the rat race of working America.

I have done all sorts of jobs in this country. They include; library book stacker, camera operator, tutor, hair braider, baby sitting. Oh my goodness, hair braiding! Bear in mind, this was not in the comforts of my home but in those loud african hair braiding stores, where the madam kept half of the money we earned since we didn't have papers. Now that was my lesson in learning to treat all humans with respect no matter their position in life, 'cos I remember how inconsequential I felt when clients that would come in and get their hair done and not even thank you for your work. I had a stint in six flags over the Texas, selling confectionaries. It wasn't a steady job. It was a weekend stint were we were literally smuggled into the amusement park like migrant Mexican workers to sell confectionaries under the sweltering Texas sun, for cash payment and an opportunity to ride the rides for free.

Had a one time stint being the money collector/door woman at some ghetto club. Worked as a customer service rep. Also, worked as a waitress in an Indian restaurant, and there I discovered my love for Indian food and the importance of tipping, which is something I used to bitch about, until that day when after lugging heavy trays of indian food, the customer left with no tip and signed their receipt with a thank you and a smiley face. I think I cried that day, cos in that restaurant there was no base bay for us non-work authorized folk, and we strictly worked for the tips. All through college, I was never the friend that could buy you dinner, i was always the one people were sponsoring. Shoo Taynement even nicknamed me S.I.S (Suffering International Student)...lol yeye girl.

Those days taught me that life as you know it can be transient. It taught me that all humans deserve to be treated with dignity. It taught me not to choose money over life and values. It taught me to not be a slave to designer labels. It taught me to appreciate everything I have now, and to not take things for granted. Most of all it taught me that the most important thing in life is not what I have but who I share it with. Yes indeed, it taught me the value of friendship and relationships.

Meme

2011-02-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

"Meme" is a weird looking word.

Ok the 7 things meme...

1) My right middle finger looks a little weird 'cos when I was a baby, the housegirl wedged it between the door and the top piece cut off. She was terrified and ran away, but the houseboy took my bleeding little self to the hospital. He didn't have the cut off piece with him so they couldn't sew it back, but the docs said that since I was an infant, it would regenerate. They couldn't guarantee that it would look normal though and so yeah it didn't.

2) I have had 7 official relationships but have only been in love twice and I have only said "i love you" to one.

3) People who know me now, would probably be astonished to know that I was a mega tomboy growing up. Shoo, I was the only girl in my nursery school who wore the male uniform instead of the girls. In primary school, they wouldn't accept that nonsense though, so I wore shorts under my pinafore and would get in trouble for taking off the pinafore during recess and not putting it back on. When I arrived the United States for undergrad in 1999, I had lumberjack shirts, huge construction boots, and probably still walked with a male swag. Now, I do have some male/masculine ideologies/traits....I think....but I have become such a girly girl you would never know.

4) I may have a touch of attention deficit disorder. I tend to read more than one book at a time. It is not uncommon to find me watching a TV show, reading a novel during commercials, and playing scrabble online all at once.

5) I have 7 really close friends, people that know me well, I click with and may know some of my secrets and I, theirs. Seems most people have 1 or 2. People get close to me really easily and I get close to people really easily. I have been told it's because I am non-threatening and a good listener :) Also, I am pretty good at keeping secrets.

6) I love food so I gotta sneak in something about food. My favorite breakfast are apple slices with peanut butter.

7) I come from a family of tallies. I am the shortest at 5ft6, next is my mom only 5ft7 but she throws it in my face lol, next is my dad at 6ft1, then my youngest bro at 6ft4, then my second bro is 6ft5, then my immediate younger bro is 6ft7.

There you go LucidLilith and Taynement and anyone who tagged me.

At work today...

2011-01-04T01:10:00.000-08:00

It is now 4.10 am and work continues.
It is weird, I am busy but whenever I get a chance to sit, blogville beckons.
At work today...
-I learned that it is possible to have bad tasting potato chips. i went to the vending machine, and instead of seeing a familiar brand like Lays, there was bbq potato chips by Grippers that were 65c and kettle cooked, mesquite bbq potato chips by Krunchers for 85c. I am like; which kin wahala be dis (what kind of trouble..). With all this propaganda of kettle cooked this and sea salted that and organic this and free raised that....I was like nonsense, one can hardly go wrong with potato chips so I chose the cheaper Grippers. All, I can say is that first it was peppery and certainly did not taste like potato chips.

- i learned that I am still not good at reading EEGs of patients with epilepsy and now this woman got an extra dose of medicine because I thought she was seizing, turns out her head was bobbing on the bed and that is why her EEG looked weird. Le sigh.

- i learned that I have a voracious appetite at night. My shift started at 8pm...so far I have had 2 sweet potatoes, sauteed kale, catfish, quarter bag of grapes, 5 pita chips (didn't like the flavor so stopped and went to vending machine as described above), cup of coffee, and now I am on hot chocolate. The last snacks I packed are a pear and greek yogurt. If I eat them now...then I will be screwed for the next 4-5hrs before i get to go home. I am definitely not going to THAT vending machine again. Hmmph.

-i learned that I don't like hospital smells

-i learned that it is lonesome being here at nights. I have looked at my phone like 50 times. I don't know who i think is going to contact me at 4 in the morning.

- i learned that my eyes are looking like i smoked weed...lol

i may edit this if i learn more.....toodles

Moi

2011-01-03T22:37:00.000-08:00

Happy 0-1-1 everyone, as Kate has instructed.

Gotta make this quick 'cos I am at work (i better remember to clear my browsing history). Yesterday, my young man told me that I have a unique walk in which my legs point inwards and one thigh kind of crosses over the other, so I asked him if he was saying I was pigeon-toed or k-legged and he claims no, that it is just as he described and he loves my walk and would recognize me from the back anywhere based on how I walk. This led to me reflecting on my looks lol...(briefly possessed with narcissism). Apparently, my body parts are weird or do weird things. If I was to conjure a picture in my head based on descriptions I have heard, it would be some sort of gargoyle.

A friend loves asking me to touch my index finger to bright light because my long fingers remind him of ET. In college, friends would often tease me to grab things from the ceiling because they thought my long arms could touch the sky. My cousin is constantly "awwing" and trying to touch my toes because they remind her of the Smurfs. I don't know if she is high on something 'cos I am pretty sure my toes are brown, long and skinnyish and smurfs are blue and fat. Then she clarified that each big toe looked like a smurf. Shudder. I have been told I have a small head. I have been told one of my eyes gets droopy when i am tipsy. I have been told I flail my arms and twitch parts of my face when talking or describing something lol. I also have a prominent booty. It is not your classic, wide hipped, video girl booty, but somehow it protrudes and has it's own shape that somehow appeals to my men. I definitely don't get it. Also, I am a walking illusion because most people argue that I am 5ft 9 and up and refuse to believe I am a mere 5ft 6. Lawd have mercy. I am sure there are more descriptors but these are the ones I can think of right off the top of my head.

Scary looking right? No. Because the pretty cool thing is that these people all seem to love these things about me. This made me realize that when I think of my looks, I never think in terms of am I pretty enough? I find it difficult to classify myself as beautiful or ugly. Those terms feel so binary. I feel like I am the kind of chick where my look greatly appeals to you, as in I am gorgeous, hawt stuff, or it simply doesn't, and I am awkward, weird limbed, walks weird, black chick. Like I really don't see an in between as per average looking chick. Boys are either all over me or they don't notice I exist. And since the people that like or are not bothered by my quirks are the ones that tell me about my looks, the end result is that i have grown up to be pretty comfortable with the way I look even if it is not classic.

It is 2.10am. I get off work in like 6 to 7 hrs...sigh.

Yippee Yay!

2010-12-25T13:31:00.001-08:00

Feliz Navidad! Merry Xmas to everyone. I love Christmas, even though this year I was supposed to spend xmas in Naija but that didn't happen. However, I am still grateful to God for blessing me so much this year and for his son's birth.

Meanwhile, I was in Las Vegas on vacation till the 24th and when I got home, I had a special envelope waiting for me in the mail. Yes! It was my very own personalized xmas card from GoodNaijaGirl! GNG thank you so much. The words seemed personal like we had been friends for long or something. I hope you are having an awesome Christmas with your family. God Bless!

Alright Blogville, eat and be merry.

The one and only curly MPB

2010-12-13T13:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I took on a new project this weekend of installing a full weave on myself. Why put myself through this torture you might ask? You might want to refer to this post. Basically, sick of my hair getting tugged and I haven't yet found someone that can install a good looking full weave yet where I live. Also, doing my hair actually stimulates and challenges me all at once. Lol one pic below looks like i have a crater in the middle of my head but no, i zoomed in so you can get a close up of the part and my closure. Downside? It took me 12 hrs. Not all at once...I took a break to go learn how to make meatpie from my good friend. Also, I had to undo and redo lots of tracks 'cos i couldnt get the flow of how to sew and the thread kept tangling in the hair etc. Hopefully that will get easier with time. Thank you to all the wonderful videos from youtube teachers of "invisible part sew in"...couldn't have done this without you.

Lots of Cobwebs

2010-12-07T18:00:00.000-08:00

Hmm what exactly does a person blog about that has nothing to blog about....i guess just ramble so that people know I am still alive.

- 2010 don finish. I can hardly believe it. Ugh I have a love hate relationship with the end of the year. On one hand i love Christmas, however I hate the cold so I always wish winter flies by fast, but the faster the days fly and spring begins to appear then I am reminded that i am about to get even older 'cos boom it's my birthday.

- I drank wine straight from the bottle today

-have you ever missed someone so hard or thought you had lost someone, and these feelings made you physically hurt?I have. Scary and not romantic at all.

-My faith preaches that one's reward is in heaven. I dunno jo it still irks me how some people never get recognition for the good things they do.

-apparently one of my close friends thinks i am dyslexic since I often erroneously type "the" as "teh" lol. I had to explain how it is easier for my finger to hit the "e" before the right finger has the time to jump one row down on the keyboard to hit the "h". Have I sent you to sleep yet?

-Miracle or coincidence? I always need money. Well this week my storage unit got broken into, and some stuff I was wanting to sell, but would probably never have because I am bad at business was stolen. At first I was upset, but now that my reimbursement check from insurance is coming in the mail, all I can say is "thank you lord".

-i already know what my new year's resolution is: to arrive on time for stuff especially work!

-i don't know if i can wait for "tangled" to come out on video before seeing it.

-i am attending a pureromance party on friday and I am excited. The last product I bought from such an event brought me many memorable nights and had an untimely death this year. So we shall see what the night has to offer...

-i miss my parents

- ooh ooh who gets excited about hair? i do! i can't count how many hair blogs, youtube channels and forums i frequent. I love doing my hair, even though it can be really really frustrating, but I kinda find it stimulating too. Anyhow, I am going to attempt to do this on myself this weekend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI3EvIl3Byk

I might even post pictures if I am successful.

- my fav xmas songs are "oh holy night, joy to the world, and feliz navidad"

- I have mixed feelings about having kids

hopefully i have better gist next time.

It's my way or the highway!

2010-10-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

We have all been in situations where we feel attacked, angry, and just wanna shake some sense into the "obviously" delusional other person, so that they can see why you are right and they are wrong! It's called CONFLICT blogville and your girl just learned that I am not the best at dealing with conflict, like i used to think lol. It is not my fault jare, it stems from my easygoing personality and not being in contention with people often (yeah I am so modest :)). I am one of those people that majority of people have never seen angry. People have seen me sad, down, tearful, but anger is not often part of my repertoire of negative emotions. I abhor confrontation, but interestingly, I have never hidden my viewpoint if I am not pleased with a situation so like I said earlier I just probably haven't found myself in many contentious scenarios.

In childhood, I am not proud to say this but I was the queen of what Nigerians call "keeping malice" that is, holding a grudge, not talking to people for months, cutting people off. Shoo I even tried to ignore my parents when they made me mad (didn't get good results from that tactic). I drastically decreased this method of solving conflict when a close friend of mine died in a motorbike accident during the period I was cutting her off temporarily to teach her a lesson. But I won't lie sometimes it is just so easy to cut off or withdraw from people who are acquaintances when they slight me. Bite me.

In adulthood, thinking back to relationships, I simply either quit the relationship, because the matter of conflict was a deal breaker or I chose my battles. I think I am a master at not sweating the small stuff. Either I sweat it in my head or with the BFF. Either way, I let it go 'cos I determine it is not a big deal. And to the best of my knowledge when I let things go, I truly do, and it does not fester and become a bigger issue. After doing some research, I have found that this is not necessarily healthy. Apparently, discussing even the small stuff can foster openness and communication and does not necessarily have to cause drama. Plus, across the board there seems to be a consensus that letting things go often causes them to fester and build up, no matter what I think. What do you guys think? Most importantly, they say it is called avoidance behavior and has been described as weak and ineffective. On a side note, one should be careful with the amount of discussion you have with people outside of the relationship IF you haven't first discussed the issue with the person you have an issue with. Nothing wrong with asking for advice...but it is a fine line...commonsense should apply :)

This website* states; "Conflict is not in and of itself a bad thing. In fact, conflicts in relationships can be constructive when used as a vehicle for improving communication. " I have always thought of conflict as this big red flag in relationships especially if they happen often. Well the question then becomes; what defines "often"? daily? weekly? monthly? yearly? I don't know, but it seems that if conflict is handled right, then communication improves and should result in a lower frequency of conflict.

This whole idea of conflict improving communication is a new but albeit welcome concept to me. The website also says; "No matter how upset you are, make a leap of faith that your partner loves you and wants you to be happy. When you attribute the problem to miscommunication vs. he/she doesn’t care or is trying to hurt you, it diffuses the emotional charge." Awesome! Lol.

This doesn't mean you should go seek conflict with your partner so as to "improve" communication. But at least it means, conflict is not the end of the world and I shall be practicing my newly improved conflict resolution skills with all my peeps as the need arises.

Ciao!

website is http://relationship.lifetips.com/cat/64813/managing-conflict-in-relationships/index.html

Thinking of me

2010-10-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

I am a woman who enjoys being a girl

Often struggle with emotion and pride

Book smart but not necessarily street smart

Slow to anger but quick to feel

Some insecurities but my self esteem is healthy

Crave love but life goes on with or without

Love being taken care of but refuse to be a burden

Applying logic to life often exhausts me

Many understand me yet I confuse many

A perplexing mix of soft and hard, cold and warm

Love hair, kisses, clothes, novels and food

Love being close while cherishing my space

Often sentimental yet not the mushy type

A cautious risk taker

Cry at the drop of a hat and laugh even more often

My strengths lie in my integrity, compassion and adaptability

My weaknesses? no room for that in this narcissistic ode of mine

I simply have the urge to shout:

I AM ME AND THAT IS OKAY!!!

For lack of a better post

2010-09-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

I really really want to blog. For one thing, as much as I love you Tayney, I am sick of logging onto my page and seeing JT's face. For another, there are thoughts ruminating in my head....words like : "conflict", "tears", "laziness", "love", "mommy" flit in and out of my head, but none of them are inspiring nor the beginning of coherent paragraphs. So what do I do? I don't know...I guess just type and see what happens.

Just finished watching a Bollywood classic called "Kabhi Khushi Khabie Gham (KKBG)" which I rented because it has the same stars that were in "My Name is Khan" - great movie by the way if you haven't seen it. Back to KKBG....man it seems like gone are the days when I used to be able to watch Bollywood dancing and singing for hours, because in this 3hr and some change movie, i had to fast forward past majority of the songs. Meanwhile the movie, had to do with an adopted son of a rich family who fell in love with a girl of lower class and his father disowned him saying "today you have shown you are not my blood." That kind of got my tears flowing. How do you peeps feel about adoption? I have always wanted to have my own kids and adopt a child. We will see. Not many of the guys I have dated have supported adoption. Why is it such a negative thing to give your love to a child that needs it that is not biologically yours?

Meanwhile, where I live, it seems like the weather just went from summer to winter today and skipped fall. Like whorra heck is that all about?

Peace and love.

TayneY!!!!!

2010-09-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYNEMENT!!!!!

I DEDICATE THE PIC ABOVE TO YOU>>>>>

What should I title this post? wedding blues? LOL

2010-09-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sometime last week I dared to fantasize about a wedding, not just any wedding, but my future wedding. Unlike many girls who have dreamt of weddings since they could walk and talk, "My wedding" is not really a concept I can fully wrap my head around. But since I am getting older, perhaps it is not so unnatural to have such thoughts pop into my head on rare occasion. So far the fantasy is mainly limited to thoughts of me wearing a dress I like, because I do like clothes and looking nice lol. Then 2 days ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks: even if I had a groom-to-be, I could never have a wedding...because I simply cannot afford one. That is just the simple truth.

It made me a little sad to realize this because I do want a dress but wearing a white, chic, weddin-ny dress to the courthouse may look a little odd. You see I realized, that if I started saving money now, I still won't be able to afford a small size wedding till I am 60. But I can't even save for a wedding now when I have a Naija trip to save for, and debt to pay off. There are people who take out loans...I laugh, 'cos thanks to my med school and car loan debt, ain't no one giving no "wedding loan" to me even if I desired a loan..which I absolutely do not. Then there are people whose parents earn Dollars and chip in, my humble family earns Naira and even that sef get "k" leg as my people would say...so definitely don't foresee help from there in the next 10 years. My only hope would be to marry a freaking millionaire...lol fat chance or await some other miracle. So yeah, when the right time comes, I hope I can be truly happy with the knowledge that after years of dating I did find "the one" and be satisfied with the courthouse.

And for those of you, that definitely know for sure you are having a wedding, I hope you realize how lucky you are and don't be bridezillas...lol

Speaking of which, did you guys hear about the girl in the news who faked having cancer so that family, friends, well wishers threw her a lavish wedding? If not, check her out www.irishcentral.com/news/Irish-American-divorces-wife-who-faked-cancer-for-wedding-freebies-102522554.html

when in doubt...just go random

2010-09-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

I think I am the only one on earth who absolutely loves ramen noodles in the cup, picky about the flavors though. I only like hot and spicy shrimp, and hot and spicy chicken. For the record, I put myself at risk geting them 'cos they only sell those flavors in the ghetto in this city of mine :) I have to restrict myself to a few per month though 'cos of the MSG and high sodium.

I like HARDCORE, take-me-back-to-warrior-days, male Igbo names especially on men who grew up abroad and have no idea how ultra masculine, unique and sexy their names are. A few I have heard and liked: Akonam, Ikezi, Olisa, Nduka, Nnamdi, Chinweike, Somtochukwu, Somadina, Chiji, Arinze, Nwosu

I still dont know if it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all

I still haven't read "eat, pray, love" but I just ordered it from Amazon...I wonder if it will live up to the hype.

Recently, I learned that your friends can be caring and generous and still lack empathy. Empathy comes from being able to understand or identify with somebody else's feelings or difficulties. I always assume my friends understand me so they should empathize, but not true and this doen't mean they don't care. It just is what it is.

I am so psyched about seeing Fela on broadway come labor day weekend.

How come lots of boys think I am emotionally unavailable or stingy, while most girls think I am a huge bucket of overflowing emotions...

I hope I age gracefully.

Stuff I wish I could wipe out from existence: Tom cruise, Twilight saga, Lindsey Lohan, Justin Bieber, fat, poverty, child abuse, acne, residency, bills that accrue interest.

Do you believe most married people around you or that you know, married for love or did they settle?

"Nothing makes sense in this world, it's a mystery but it's what we do about it that counts. To trust that in the end it is worth it and never letting go of its promise." from the tv show; Brothers and Sisters.

African Hair Braiding

2010-08-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

Ok maybe that title is a little broad, but it's 2.44am and I can't think of a more apt title. I have been having writer's block or should i say blogger's block. Probably, because the thoughts in my head are not things I want to blog about yet. Anyways, before I ramble off topic, I went to go get my hair braided on Sat and OMG, I was so aggravated. The regular lady I use, who is not perfect, was not available so I had to find someone else. Men are so lucky they don't have to deal with ish like this. So, I had an appointment with the braider for 4pm and she called me at 9.30am saying that she had a cancellation and could I come then? I had just washed my hair, so hurriedly dried it and rushed there sans breakfast. The only portable edible I had was a peach and a bottle of gatorade. So, I get there at 10.15am, and she is only halfway done with someone's weave. I was just like why why why why why???? WHy did she make me come then, only to waste my time?

Finally we started on my hair around 11.30 - noon. I got the look I typically get when hair braiders discover my hair is natural. She was like "please comb your hair well", so i took out my comb and did. Next she starts and is like, "you don't like perming your hair?" I puzzled over the question, but a witty comment escaped me since I was hungry. I just said "no". Next she partitioned the hair and her fingers reached for a dollop of "JAM" and "blue magic". I screeched and was like what are you doing? I don't want those things. We argued back and forth and she finally gave in to not using "grease" but said and i quote "your hair is too nappy and I can't braid it without the jam, I will only use a little." Can you imagine the ignorant twat? How come all the people that have braided my hair in the past, including myself have done so without jam? But, I was desperate so I let her. I hope when it is time to take these braids down I don't regret it. For the umpteenth time, the thought crossed my mind that I should just be braiding my hair myself no matter how long it takes, cos it will thank me later.

I love technology, but when I go to these African hair braiders, I curse at it, 'cos they all have cell phones, and no matter what day of the week, they make endless calls to Senegal, Gambia, Ghana, Nigeria. So the entire time she (they) are tugging relentlessly on my *nappy* head...I am hearing shrieks of loud phone conversation...'cos soft speech is not feasible in these African hair braiders.

Have you experienced the ones that have children? One lady left my hair every 15mins to attend her nonstop crying child. Another's little bundle of joy [brat] spilled his drink all over me. In another situation, like i wasn't paying enough money, the lady made me hand her the sections of hair and I had to do that while protecting my purse and novel from her little terror. Aaaargh...

They look at me weirdly when I cringe when they cough or sneeze over my head without covering. They look at me weirdly when I insist on using my own combs. They look at me weirdly when I decline pink oil or oil spray at the end. They look at me weirdly when I tell them to not make it tiny. They look at me weirdly when I ask them to be gentle on the edges. They look at me weirdly when I try to explain that I'd rather have rough hair than broken edges. My experience with them is a battle of wills. Finally, 4- 8hrs later or in the case of my most recent experience, 9 freaking hours later...not counting the 1.5hrs I had to wait while she finished the weave, I get to escape...and then she hands me her cards to give my friends and come back again. I say "thank you" and smile as my mind does a black chick neck roll and screams HELL NO!

Happy Endings

2010-08-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

We all want them, seems like only a few get them. Not exactly sure how God, the cosmos, you or whatever you believe in decides this...it's a code that can never be cracked. I was feeling a little bad this morning, so I decided to watch my recording of Glee finale since I absolutely love watching them sing. Watching it a second time, I feel like I missed so many little things and it was nice to see. I loved the end where Glee club got an extension for 1 year, and yeah I love happy endings.

Happy endings make the struggles and risks we take, seem worth taking. Don't know where my happy ending is, but each day I grow a little, each day I become less scared, it's easier to let go a little when your life continuously spins out of your control.

Meanwhile, don't you just love how songs just convey what you feel? Music speaks to my soul. Comes in handy when I feel soulless. Listening to Jordin Sparks croon "why does love always feel like a battlefield?" Couldn't have asked that question any better. I am tired of fighting or being at war with my desires, my principles, my feelings, myself...

So I understand that not everyone is going to get a happily ever after, marriage, love whatever....that's all good and gravy, but can God please remove the desires from my mind if it's not meant to happen, just make me asexual, just make me feel how i feel when i see things that people love like Krispy creme, brownies, cheesecake that I know could potentially taste good, but I have absolutely no cravings for.

This post is kinda dry sha...

Let's be honest

2010-07-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Taynement. here we go:

Right now I'm feeling...okay, even keel mood. Putting worries at bay as I watch TV.

When I'm alone I feel...uninhibited.

When I'm surrounded by people I feel...energized.

One thing I hate is...disrespect. Treat everyone as you want to be treated. Don't forget the simple courtesies. These are rules I live by.

One thing I really like about myself is... my ability to get along with most people.

When I'm feeling sad I...cry, wallow and withdraw.

When I daydream it's usually about...love, sex and money. The older I get, the less frequent my daydreams are.

I'm afraid of...many things. My top 3 are death, having a serious illness and debt.

I'm happiest when...I am eating my favorite foods or cuddled by a guy i like (sue me..lol!).

One thing that really worries me is... the future, which is stupid since we have no control over it.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be...just one thing???? I wish I was more assertive and less of a worrywart.

If I could be with anyone right now I would be with....O.

The family member I am closest to is....my mommy.

If I was really honest with my father I would tell him...he needs xanax.

One thing I regret about my life is... how my past relationships were determined by my heart sans my brain, ugh.

If I only had one more day to live I would...pray for forgiveness, write letters to my loved ones. If I had money, I would travel to a place I have always wanted to visit.

If I was really honest with my mother i would tell her...wish you had been stricter like maybe: lectured me/scared me not to have premarital sex, censored movies i watched, and books i read. Probably wouldn't have made a difference to my inner freak but who knows..lol.

I hope that someday in the future...I am debt free

When I think about my family I feel... blessed

Something I'm really embarrassed about is... my old car. I swear I had the worst looking car at work. It was white, 1992 honda accord, with a huge passenger side dent, and the door handles were breaking off, the AC didnt really work either. I was ashamed to give people rides. Alas, it was murdered 2 weeks ago.

One thing about me I never want to change is...is my curiosity.

One thing I feel really proud of is...my ability to remember names.

Blogsville has helped me to...realize that no matter what you are going through or feeling, someone out there has experienced it or can understand it.

One thing I like about blogsville is...the variety of blogs I encounter.

No one reads my blog anymore :) so who can I tag? oooh I tag GNG and Doll.

10 Things I am loving these days

2010-07-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

1. Tea tree oil

2. The sound of O's voice

3. Tiwa Savage's "kele kele love"

4. My burgundy blanket

5. Still heart my phone

6. The weather

7. My new glasses

8. My bottle of sangria

9. My revlon Colorstay Mineral Lipglaze in perpetual plum

10. Orbit spearmint gum

What are you into these days?

Bad Days

2010-07-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

We all have days that make us cringe, wince, and cower. They are quite humbling and ego shrinking I tell you. Usually, the first hit of "badness" catches you off guard. You realize that you were comfortable, perhaps you began to think life was good, maybe you felt on top of the world or at least a good contender in this game of life. Yes, at that time, the first "badness" hits you like a punch to the gut; fast, hard, shocking. You move in slow motion, mentally trying to process, people swarm around you with sympathetic words and suggestions that seem like the buzz of mosquitoes. Before you know it, some more bad/unsavory/unhelpful things happen...what is that common saying? The one that goes; bad things happen in threes? Eh, olorun ma je, God forbid, I reject that! Too late, the 3rd bad thing in one week already happened, lol.

So...at this time, you have adapted, you know life is a struggle, you realize self pity and tears get you nowhere, although you can't help indulging sometimes. If you are like me, it is at this time, you pray, pray some more, and begin doing what you can humanly do, the best you know how. You hope that this is like the past , where out of impossible situations come solutions. Most times they do, and you can hardly believe it. The first good thing is like a miracle. It is...a miracle. You feel like you have a new lease on life, and just maybe, yes, just maybe you do.

So for all you prayerful folk out there that don't mind praying for a stranger, pls pray for me.

Meanwhile, Happy July 4th weekend to everyone.

Dreams

2010-06-25T16:09:00.000-07:00

Why do we have goals?

Why do we aspire?

Why do we try to attain happiness?

Why even bother?

Slowly but surely I am giving up on dreaming

It's draining when you meet hurdles and disappointment

They say it makes you stronger

I am beginning to think it's BS

I feel my spirit weakening as we speak

not waxing

just waning

So goodbye dreams...

This girl has no energy to dream about the future

When the present threatens to suffocate me

Coworkers

2010-06-17T15:21:00.001-07:00

Yay!!! I have something to blog about that doesn't have to do with relationships. I find that really exciting for some reason. DO you guys have coworkers that seem like characters in some script or from an alternate universe? I do sha, and they can be quite entertaining. So I was leaving work early this morning and I ran into my colleague, S, in the hallway. We exchanged pleasantries but I couldn't help chuckling as to how much he reminded me of Eeyore (the donkey in winnie the pooh), as he sounded soooo down and out. He wasn't having a bad day oh, that is how he always sounds, complete with a slow drawl and as if he is carrying the whole world on his shoulders.

Then there is A; ever angry and bitching. Conversations with him tend to go along these lines, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT PATIENT WON'T F***ING GO HOME!!!" "WHY DO I HAVE TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL SO LATE?" "MY PAGER IS ALWAYS GOING OFF" "I HATE THIS PLACE!" He is blonde, 6ft4, 270 lbs, has a deep voice and a head full of blonde curls. So when he is throwing tantrums, I think of Thor the god of thunder and I start cracking up and guess what? It makes him madder. LMAO.

Then there is L, the socialite, always setting up the next party, shopping trip, tanning session, pedi-mani spa trips, loves everyone, wants to get to know everyone...being around her can be fun but also, quite exhausting. Oh and she's probably a size 2-4 and always complaining of how she is fat and working out has been hard.

Then there is J, fellow dokito like us oh, but she is always talking to me about weed, ganja, Mary Juana, Igbo...and how she just knows I would love it. I suspect her husband either grows it in their yard or deals it somehow, 'cos she seems to have abundant amounts and enjoys it at all the social events.

There is B, who thinks all our bosses are retards, doesn't believe any rotation is up to par for him, refused to study for the step 3 exam as it can't possibly be that hard, convinced he knows more than the fellows...btw he is cute, but his arrogance na wa.

There is S, Pakistani chick, who is always talking about food. So I heat up my jollof rice, moi moi and chicken, and before I could shovel one spoonful into my mouth, she descended like a vampire from twilight, "what are the ingredients in your food? what is it called? why do the brown cakes smell like that? the chicken looks good? how spicy is it?" Before I can even answer, I am given a lecture on Pakistani dishes, then she moves to the next person's lunch and continues...Curiosity is a good thing, but sometimes her own is just very weird and invasive

Ciao.

Long Distance Relationships

2010-06-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone...hope you all casted your votes for Naija blogger awards? I did and I wish all the people I voted for : good luck!

So last night as I was going to bed, I started thinking about long distance relationships. It seems I meet lots of men that never see to live where I live, whether Littletown, NC or Bigcity, OH! So...to those bloggers that always wonder where the single, eligible men are, I know exactly where...They are where I am not...LOL. So, I met a whole new crop recently and started thinking of who could be potential and in the end, I figured that they would weed themselves out...because in all likelihood, the chances of them meeting my needs in an LDR are damn near impossible. So what are my requirements?

In a nutshell, a successful LDR with me, would have to model my relationship with my BFF, not exactly but pretty close.

The details:

1- I expect some form of daily contact. Phone, text, IM, email will work. With my schedule, there is no way I could talk to homie on the phone everyday. But on the days we are not having heart to hearts, a text, IM chat to keep me in the loop goes a long way.

2-We gotta see. At least once a month. Ideally every 2 weeks...but anything more than 2 months is just temptation screaming my name. They say guys are physically stimulated abi visually stimulated. Uh can I say females are too!

3-We have to have something that we enjoy together. The easiest thing would be a TV show, we watch at the same time and chat on IM about. But I remember once suggesting to the big love of my life that we watch a movie together with the phone connecting us...and he shut it down as incredibly corny. Yes, it is corny...but again it makes me happy.

4- I will not ask you for your routine, but you sharing that with me makes me feel connected, and reduces worry. I never even knew I needed this, until my ex did it. He would just text me stuff like, "I am off to work, have a good day" or "grocery day is approaching...i hate shopping" so without me asking, i knew his work schedule, gym days, and even grocery days, as if I lived right there. The best thing about that, is it made me want to reciprocate. So hopefully, if I am in an LDR where that doesn't come natural to the dude, maybe I can lead by example :)

5- The potential end of long distance has to be established early. What is the point of me getting attached to you, if you never plan to leave Maryland, since your whole family resides there and you have lived there from thy kingdom come and I know I don't want to live there?

Hmm...it's quite a short list. I am surprised. Are these things I am asking for too much? That is a matter of opinion. As for me, I don't think it's impossible 'cos I have experienced it. In that LDR, I was secure and not frantic like my other LDRs where the pattern seemed to be; intense first 3 months of closeness and bonding, then the calls and contact taper off, and I start freaking out, questioning, doubting and start trying to get out before I get gotten...lol. Anyhow, with my guidelines in place, I will not run from long distance...but if dude doesn't fit my criteria, my heart is staying locked up in it's chamber and we shall become facebook friends instead of lifelong lovers.

Gnite.

Friday the 14th

2010-05-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

There's been so much happening, I doubt I will remember it all for this post. I am so emotionally wrapped up on the wrong things, I think it's because real life overwhelms me and if I let myself feel "real life" too much, I feel like I will be pushed over the edge. That's probably why I get so entrenched into novels and movie plot lines and cry at the drop of a hat, but when faced with real life situations, my adrenalin is off the roof and I feel such fear, and try to detach. Anyhow, I found out that my family can crumble any minute, we really are only surviving by a thread...a thread known as God's grace. Today, I had dairy queen for the first time, I got a tropical blizzard and oh my, it was soooooo good. Something hurt me today, but I can't divulge for privacy sake. Either way, it's a reality check that being black is still a hurdle at times. I confess that sometimes I think I am a really good person and sometimes I think I am a really bad person. Either way of thinking is not particularly healthy :)

Nail talk: Meanwhile, does anyone know why some kinds of nail polish cost $7 while others cost $0.99? The more expensive the brand , does that mean the less chance of chipping? Since I am on vacation, I decided to paint my fingernails. I typically don't because I have a deformed finger secondary to an accident when I was a toddler. Like the dichotomy that seems to exist commonly in life, my fingers and nails are hella pretty, if i must say so myself, EXCEPT for that one finger, so i don't do manicures so as not to draw attention to my hands. Anyhow, the older we get the less imperfections seem to bother us, for the most part, so I decided to paint my fingernails 2 days ago, but after washing dishes last night, the color chipped, I repainted, and this morning after showering and stuff it chipped again, so I just wiped it all off. Is this what happens to y'all or is it the cheap NYC nail polish?

Pet peeve: unreliable people. I hate when people can't be counted on to return phone calls or you invite them somewhere and they don't respond. Or they respond last minute and want a run down of who will be there, or want things to go on their own schedule. Seems like I should just go to events I want to on my own. Sigh, but sometimes it's just more pleasurable to share the experience with others. Maybe "reliability" is not the operative trait, maybe courtesy is what's lacking.

I love going on dates, but they freak me out. I want a date, I finally get one, and then I freak out from thoughts of whether it's the future setting for another failed relationship. Bad dates are comforting, 'cos they are safe and you know what to expect; it won't go anywhere and the heart will remain safe. Good dates are terrifying, 'cos in that moment your life could change for the worse more often than not and you don't know what to expect...

On a brighter note....

Oops can't think of one...

Got it!

Wait for it...

Life is surprisingly good, despite my random thoughts.

One can only laugh

2010-05-04T13:20:00.000-07:00

I am sure you have all seen those colourful, beautiful TV commercials, featuring some seemingly everyday girl and guy, who found LOVE on eharmony.com. The ads promise the same for you...Now I have managed to resist those ads for years now, mainly because I was a broke student. Since I now have a little income, I was like hey, this seems like a great May 4th activity. So, I painstakingly fill out their 15 minute questionnaire with intermittent prompts telling me how good I was doing and how 50% completed etc. Finally, I answered the last questions, hit submit and this is what yours truly received below. I felt shock, fear, confusion and shared with a few friends and it was hilarious. So hope I made you laugh. Are there any other unmatchable singles out there????

"We're very sorry, but our matching system cannot predict good matches for you.

eHarmony's patented matching system was developed after extensive research into marital satisfaction. We use each person's responses to our Relationship Questionnaire to predict the pairings of individuals that are highly likely to result in satisfying long-term relationships, based on what we learned through our research.

Unfortunately, based on responses to our questionnaire, we occasionally find situations where our matching system cannot identify high quality compatible matches, and this has happened in your case. Please understand that it is a result of our matching process and in no way reflects on you as a person or your ability to be in a happy relationship.

We apologize and regret our inability to find good matches for you. The time you spent completing our questionnaire, however, has enabled us to provide you with a free Personality Profile.. This Personality Profile lets you learn more about yourself and should provide you with valuable insights.

We wish you all the best in your search for that special someone."

What's up?

2010-05-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

So what's been going on with me? Well for starters, I failed at our church media fast. The theme for the month is agendas...in terms of technology, the media, etc and how unplugging from time to time can help you build relationships with people and with God. So we were all encouraged to take a 7 day fast from any form of media and just ask God to speak to us. Well I chose facebook and I was doing so well until Thursday evening when I had a bad day at work and I prayed, and I felt nothing, and I couldn't take it, so I logged on to Facebook just so I could escape from my reality. It was bittersweet. Yes, I escaped, but then I was reminded how everyone else has seemingly perfect lives which logically I know they don't...Can you imagine? LOL. Now seriously, so at church today, they were like, if you could not successfully complete the fast then you need to self reflect 'cos it shows you have an addiction. Like joke like joke, I always say I am addicted to facebook, but now I know I am. So why? Escape. Same reason that I love TV, movies, books and blogs. Is that really unhealthy? During that time frame, I had a friend who celebrated their birthday and for the life of me, it took me a day to find her email addy so I could send her a birthday message, I was at a loss for how to communicate with her sans facebook messaging....yeah the thought to call her, never crossed my mind.

Like Taynement mentioned in her randoms, there are just days you wanna vent, talk, let stuff out but at the same time you don't. That never used to be me, but it has become me more recently. I used to be such a talker, rambler, now I feel like conversations can be a chore. For one thing I don't want to be a whiner, and I don't want to make small talk. It's like I wish I could call, say my spiel and erase our conversation from your memory.

Anyhow, I feel like I just had a midlife crisis...I feel exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. I feel like my soul is slowly dying. I feel like I have no self to give friends, family, work. Don't know how to describe it exactly, because it's not a sadness, it's more like angst and emptiness and not feeling my essence. Like instead of being goofy and playful, I just feel tired and blank. Thoughts about whether my job and life are meaningful and if I will ever get the hang of being an adult. Started vacation on Friday, and maybe I will feel rejuvenated but right now I am so myopic I can't even imagine how. I weighed myself yesterday and in the past 10months, despite what my friends say, I have gained 10 lbs....yep, scales don't lie and that so did not help my morale. Meanwhile, Does God speak to you? I feel like he is so distant from me and does not speak to me except from when I am in church. I wish he would in my daily life. Am I the only one that assigns God a male gender? The good thing about feeling down to nothing, is that you can redirect energy. Whenever, i am in crisis, I wallow a little and then I start cleaning and working out. Hell, if I am going to be miserable, then I will be damned if I don't look good doing it :) I wish I could get involved with more activities that don't require me being sedentary or brainless, maybe like rec sports, touring places, volunteering....but my work schedule is so unpredictable, it has to be something really flexible and I don't know where to start.

It's kind of weird writing this post today, because I actually feel okay today but I soooo wanted to blog. Ciao!

10 THINGS I LOVE

2010-04-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

My first tag post and I was tagged by taynement yuppeeee yay.

1. Food - When I think about old age, illness, death....I just know I dont want any condition that will hamper my desire and ability to stuff my face.

2. Internet- I just dont know how we functioned prior to this great invention.

3. Novels - There was a time when I couldn't decide between my love for movies or a good book. All I can say is a good book is orgasmic.

4. Sushi- Yes it is a form of food and i already listed food (now you know why food was number 1). This is the one food I can eat daily so it deserves it's own post. I credit taynement with this. I had eaten bits and pieces off people's plate not knowing what I liked or if I really liked it or what kind. BUT....one day taynement and I went to eat when I moved to bigcity, OH and she made me order my own - spicy tuna and spicy shrimp. The rest as they say is history, 'cos I have taken flight and branched into nigiri.

5. My Droid - simply love my phone.

6. Cute guys - maybe this is more like a love hate cycle. But I love guys because they are very very very very very very kissable. Hmm maybe this should read I love kissing. But no, I don't like kissing just anyone. Ooooh also, just seeing a hot, handsome, cute, guy brightens my day, sends tingles down my spine and just makes me happy. So I yeah I guess I love men.

7. Lip gloss - lip thingies; gloss, chapstick, vaseline et al...mama can't do without you.

8. The Arts - in all its forms and genres; dance, music, theatre, museums, galleries, spoken word, concerts. Art is an expression of the soul and as a pisces, I am oh so soulful :)

9. Friends - I am simply blessed in this arena and I thank you Lord.

10. Blogville - Yes YOU; for opening my world...for healing my loneliness...for educating me...for entertaining me...for showing me that I am not alone.

I wish I knew how to tag....I'd tag Kate and Purple Lace Gloves and Jade

Happy 29th Birthday to MPB

2010-03-08T17:11:00.001-08:00

Mom sent me the sweetest card ever. It said:

MPB,

WHATEVER AGE, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY LITTLE GIRL.

WISHING YOU A GREAT DAY EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE WORKING TODAY!!!!!!

REMEMBER AGE IS IN THE MIND, ITS WHO YOU ARE THAT COUNTS NOT HOW OLD YOU ARE.
LOVE YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY
GOD BLESS,

MUM

All I could think, is how blessed I am to have the mom that I do. I love her so much.

Ciao

Random thingilings

2010-02-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

I went to a birthday thingy recently and it was mostly a Nigerian crowd, with like 4 Caucasians. How come the white guests were leaving and one of the ladies says to the group she was sitting with; "awon Oyinbo are leaving, now it's a party". Rather loudly too, 'cos I wasn't sitting with them but I heard it. All I could think was "really? is that necessary?" It also made me wonder how things will be if I happen to marry a white man and bring him to my Naija get togethers. Oh well.

I am not one to comment on or notice race related thingies. However, the thought crossed my mind that of all the many ladies Tiger messed with, none were black.

I am turning 29 and I have a potpourri of feelings; indifference, gratitude, trepidation and acceptance. I am working 30 hours on my birthday, bummer.

God is already answering my prayer requests for 2010. Thank you.

One of my new year resolutions was to rock my natural hair from May till it gets really cold again, no matter what. Why? So that everyone can know I am natural lol, so that I can learn what works for my hair, so that my edges can rest, and so that I can get over my fear of natural hair in the professional setting. Special shout out to Nnenne for introducing me to Cantu shea butter leave in repair creme, love it! It's March and I am rocking it now, I must confess it's barely been a week though and I am already tempted to get some kinky twists in. Must resist...

I knew it! I don't have a doppelganger. You know how there was doppelganger week on facebook? Yeah, so I have no celeb look alike. I even went to the myheritage website and scanned 3 different pics of myself. With pic 1, they said i looked like Jessica alba, pic 2 they said meredith monroe, pic 3 they said Gabrielle Union. Obviously...they can't make up their minds..as I have no celeb doppelganger..lol

The pain hurts less each day, and I am more convicted that I did the right thing. I hope you get there too.

I am completely baffled that my parents are not freaked out that I am not married, engaged or in a serious relationship. I guess they have bigger problems to worry about.

I don't understand people that work overtime, just to make more money or because they are workaholics. No money is worth the time I could be using to enjoy life.

It's amazing how we can just click with people we never expected to.

Now I understand why some people are so secretive about their lives. I made the mistake of telling one of my friends about a guy I liked and went on a few dates with. We were in 2 public settings and this chick announced my business. It's different if the guy and I are "together" but we are just friends and he's prolly moving away in a few months, so no point in announcing stuff. Ughh I saw red...I don't even know if telling her to stop will make a difference. Next time I know...

Current fav snacks: Barefruit bake-dried mangoes, caramel corn Quaker rice cakes, blueberries, haagen daaz dulce de leche, crunchmaster multigrain crackers, dancing bull Cabernet sauvignon. Wine should probably not be my idea of a daily snack...Oh well.

I miss the "in my dreams it was simpler" blog. I hope they fix whatever is wrong soon...cos I am going through withdrawal.

SOmetimes when bloggers disappear, I wonder if they are dead and hope they are okay and disappeared cos they were bored.

I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Food for thought

2010-02-13T14:59:00.000-08:00

Who woulda thunk? The last few sermons in the church I have been going to have been based on a series called "manly" and basically the focus has been on how to be a man. I never thought I would benefit from a sermon targeted to men but I have in so many ways. It made me think of the guys I have dated. I have had some painful breakups in my life, but while the relationship was on, I daresay I have been lucky enough to have dated "good men" for the most part, based on what mainstream defines as a good man. You know with qualities like: doesn't cheat, doesn't hit, is not verbally abusive, gets along with me, supports me, fun loving, loves family, educated, financially independent...BUT somehow things end or don't seem right. Why? Is it me? Is it them? Is it us? Today's sermon made me realize something. I have never dated that good man.

What good man you may ask? I have never dated or met that man that I felt could be my spiritual guide or leader, the one who could be an example to our future family on how to walk with God. I have never met a man that had anything to contribute to my walk with God and I have definitely never met the man who tried to support me in abstaining from sex. It's one thing for both of you to try and fall, it's another when you are the only one trying and your partner seems hellbent on seducing you :) So we single people always ask our married/engaged counterparts; how did you know he was the one? I don't know if you've gotten many satisfactory answers, I sure haven't.

But in the quiet of my bedroom, in those moments right before I fall asleep, the thought crosses my head, that perhaps I will know he's the one when I say, "I am not ready to rush into sex just yet" and he says, "me neither, I have been trying to get closer to God and that includes abstaining as much as I can." I have those thoughts in my head, but then I push them away, because I feel it is near impossible to meet such a man. The next best thing always seemed to be to go with the guy who says "I wont rush you...whenever you are ready", but the next day tries to get down and you keep resisting him until finally you can't fight your attraction anymore. The point is it's all on YOU.

Bear in mind, I am not saying a man should take responsibility for my actions, but I do believe ultimately in the man being the head of the family and subsequently an example. As women we have our parts to play. I am just saying for me as a growing Christian woman, the men that are Christian by name only and go to church on special occasions or don't even actively try to grow in their faith really should not be for me. One time I even dated an agnostic (slap me). I believe a man that loves God strives to treat others in a way that models his belief; which ultimately defaults to his actions being "good", hence a good man protects, uplifts, loves, has a work ethic etc. Anywho, at the end of the service, they had an altar call for men that wanted to reaffirm their commitment to manhood, to aggressively pursue their Christian walk and OMG the men came out in droves; young and old. It just brought tears to my mind to see all these "good" men...now if only I could introduce myself to one of them ;)

Snowy Saturday

2009-12-19T11:49:00.001-08:00

Well it was snowing earlier ...and stopped. I kinda understand why some people become alcoholics. Here, I was feeling a little blah after watching my 2 Bollywood movies. One was just incredibly corny, and the other was so sad. By the way, if you haven't you should check out Deepa Mehta's movies: Earth, Fire and Water. I just watched Earth today and thus done with the trilogy. She is not typical Bollywood and her movies have been controversial. Anyhow...I was lying on my couch and decided to convert my negative energy into something positive...so i made a fish and shrimp curry, and tidied up my space. I am now sipping on a glass of white wine and men I suddenly feel light hearted and well ...LOL. Do you ever think of an alter-life? I do. If there's one culture I feel I identify with after being Nigerian, it would be Indian. No, I do not mean native American. I sometimes fantasize about life as an Indian woman. I think their beauty is underrated. I confess that I love their thick, long, glossy, dark hair. Yes, I have serious Indian hair envy. I absolutely love sari's, tunes from the sitar, gulab jamons, names like Anjeli, Latika, Abhishek, Sana and Rahul, tikka masalas and curries. From Bollywood, I feel Indian culture understands what I want in romance and dating...lol. Yes, it's fiction, but fiction often imitates life. Do you watch Nollywood? Romance in Nollywood, is a not too distant depiction of what romance is between Nigerians...and I can i say ewww. Meanwhile back to my Indians, shoo even in real life..look at theTaj Mahal; one of the greatest monuments of love. Ok so yes, Indianhood is my alter life. Ok my food is ready i am off to eat and sip on more wine :)

So frustrating

2009-11-24T20:36:00.000-08:00

I have had such a jumble of thoughts, feelings and things to say in the last couple of weeks, but as soon as I open my blog page and think of typing...I just feel exhausted. But men, I just finished watching "True Life: I can't leave my boyfriend" which left me so befuddled I just had to type :) We human beings are weird and senseless. At one extreme are people like the chicks on the show who cannot walk away from a negative situation and at the other extreme are chicks like me who perhaps walk away all too quickly. I don't know which is better. But you can't tell me that seeing a 41 yr old, pot bellied man, who is homeless, maltreat a young, pretty, 20yr old in the name of "love" isn't frustrating. Yep, there was a couple like that on the show.

What impression do people have of me? Does it matter? Who am I? I still ponder over that question. Especially when people accuse me of saying stuff and doing different. I don't show it, but it bothers me...not sure why, since they say actions speak louder than words, but at the same time I want my "views" to count for something. It's like I have principles and beliefs but I don't keep to them, so it's like I am being hypocritical. So, I have resolved to start speaking less. I won't be quieter, but I will just express opinions about my personal life less and let my actions speak more. God what is in my future? Will I die young or live long? Will I always be healthy or will I be sick? I don't want to be hospitalized for anything except having a baby...pls lord. Speaking of which, will I have a husband and kids or will I be a lifelong dater? If I do marry, will we be happy or end up divorced? Will I go to heaven or hell? Very realistic question Lord, since I often woner if your other children disappoint you as much as me? Will I be debt free? Will I get my green card? Will you answer my prayers for my friends?

If I could change something about my personality, it would be to be more assertive and less laid back. I tend to let things just "happen" to me. I am that chick who will pay the fine instead of trying to find out if it was even a legitimate charge. I am that chick who has given in to sex when I wasn't ready to. I am that chick who finds it difficult giving orders to my subordinates. I am that chick who lapses into what I call "baby whine" when asking for things and I hate it but I can't seem to stop it. I hate making decisions and taking charge so I pretty much roll with whatever; however, I wouldn't describe myself as a pushover, because strangely enough I rarely do things I hate. Even down to picking up the tab, my friends seem to easily pick up my tab even when I protest but when I try it, I am easily brushed away. Thus, one of my pet peeves is when I offer to pay for something and the person doesn't let me, because it makes me feel awkward, since I don't know how to force the situation.

Wow, I have thanksgiving off work, I didn't believe such a thing was possible. I have been having some woe-is-me moments so while I know that if I put in the effort I can come up with a list of things to be thankful for, right now I don't feel like. I do know what I am most thankful for: having my family safe. Since we are scattered all over the world, I worry a lot about everyone. Is my brother in Europe going to get stabbed walking back home by some racist in a dark alley? Will my mom in Gambia have a heart attack or have an injury and have no one know, because she's all alone there? Will my dad have a stroke from worrying and stressing about his future? Will my brother in Naija be attacked my armed robbers? Will my brother in NC drive drunk with his friends and crash? What about me? If I died in my apt, how many days would pass before my body would be discovered or anyone would know I was gone. These great distances and feelings of lonesomeness that link and separate us, fester fear in me sometimes. Most times though, I am able to tell myself that the worrying isn't going to change anything and just pray to God to keep us safe.

You there! Stupid heifer! Passing up on a good thing. Boy are you crazy? Sometimes I wonder if I made up our "love". Was it a myth? Was it all in my head? Aaaaargh, I kinda regret throwing away everything: the pictures, the cards, the emails you sent and even my diary that captured the good times. Now, there are only 2 things I have left; the scorpion and my vulnerable emails to you after it was done. I kept those; for moments when I feel weak with my memories of the myth, the good times, the urge to contact you...because then I can look at my inbox and see long email novellas with stuff like:

My feelings haven't changed......so maybe you need to be honest with yourself if yours have.

See if I was there with you constantly i could read you better, but I am not, so please try to understand, put yourself in my shoes and bear with me [shudders at how i sound like i am begging]. What I mean is that, maybe if I was there you might not say mushy things to me anymore but if you gave me hugs, kisses, held my hand, looked into my eyes etc....i'd definitely know that everything was fine. Similarly, if i was there constantly and you told me the sweetest, lovey dovey things but never introduced me to your friends, didnt let me speak to your family, never touched me, puked when kissing me then I'd know you were definitely not feeling me. So, my point is that normally i dont write long, drama filled emails just for the sake of it, it's just hard to read you and what you are thinking...

and I then regain back my sanity, knowing that if anyone should take a risk, be vulnerable, risk being humiliated, or put themselves out there....it should be you.

Phew...I feel lighter letting all that stuff out. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

Dark nights

2009-11-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

I woke up in the middle of the night, my clothes were soaked in sweat, the room looked dark, the air was thick and hot. Yes, I was feeling a little scared. I had to pee. Ughh i tried to ignore the sensation for a few seconds but it got insistent. I looked over at BFF sleeping beside me, but I was only mildly reassured. What if i went to pee and the demons automatically shut me in the bathroom and she can't hear my screams ...

No, I am not crazy, ever since I watched that accursed "Paranormal Activity" on Oct 31st I have not been the same. The stupid movie wont leave my memory ... yet. It wasn't even thaaaat scary, it's just that it involved a demon and being a Nigerian with childhood memories of poignant tales of demons, madam koi koi, bush babies, ogbanje, mammy water et al things like that freak me out more than say monsters, serial killers or aliens killing people.

For all the trouble I give my parents, I love those folks. One time when I was a teenager, about 14yrs old I think, I came back home from boarding school with a book I had borrowed from a classmate called Deliverance From The Power of Darkness. I started the book that day and it was so vivid and interesting, and in typical MPB fashion when I start a book I like, it's hard for me to pace myself and stop reading; I tend to read it all in one sitting. So that's how I found myself in the middle of the night still reading this book, after everyone had gone to bed for sometime.

The protagonist had just been taken to hell or something and was detailing his experience with Satan, demons and principalities (that word makes me giggle btw, what the hell is a principality). My brothers were asleep in beds next to mine, but I still felt an overwhelming sense of dread and evil around me. I started crying and went to my parents door, knocked and my mom opened. I told her how scared I was from the book, and she just hugged me and said i could sleep with them. I don't remember if we prayed or not, but at 14, I wasn't pushed away from their bed and I fell asleep, safe right in between my parents and I knew no demons could reach me. LOL.

Anyways, I am adult now so what did I do? I peed, turned on the air, tried to accept the darkness, climbed into bed, BFF was still asleep. I prayed to God that I should soon forget the movie especially before I had to return to my apartment where I would definitely have to sleep alone. I really hate the dark.

Old Age

2009-10-31T23:59:00.000-07:00

So I went with some of my friends to one of the local clubs in town to celebrate Halloween and never have I felt so old before. Maybe because I wasn't drinking or maybe because I wasn't with my girls, but every one looked so recently post pubescent. Girls shrieking, guys with minimal stubble posing. Me that I never stand on the side, found myself there most of the night 'cos I couldn't find my comfort zone. At one point, one of the few people I danced with asked me, "so what school do you go to?" I couldn't very well say I was a doctor in the local hospital, so I lied and said I was a nursing major at University XYZ...LOL, I felt like some old pervert. So does this mean my clubbing days have come to an end at 28? So I guess when I get the urge to dance it's gonna be at some Naija wedding owambe . Where do old people hang out, apart from Jazz clubs? 'Cos Lord knows thoughts of Jazz do not get my blood rushing. At this stage of my life, I feel torn between 2 identities. There's what's appropriate for a 28 year old, which my philosophy has always been: you are as old as you feel...so I have no problems watching cartoons, shopping in the juniors section and using slangs like LOL, OMG and totally, but what about clubbing? Then there's what's appropriate for a doc and that's the part I struggle the most with. Whether I like it or not, I am no longer a medical student, and when I think of my patients seeing me in some tube top and mini skirt grinding in a club, I don't know why but I feel ashamed and feel the need to lie. Simply put, as a 28yr old single medical professional I don't quite know where I fit in the world anymore.

A rainy day

2009-10-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

Candles burning softly, casting their soft light wherever I looked. I sat down on the red booth and he sat next to me, put his left arm around me and pulled me closer. I couldn't see his face but I could feel him staring intently at me. Whoa my mind was thinking... how come his arms are around me? Isn't he shy? Ah but it felt so good, as the music played softly behind us. The other patrons stole stares at us and I loved it. He rubbed my hand, traced his fingers in mine...

We started walking down the street, it was raining all around us. I am not sure why we stopped in front of that art gallery but stop we did. He pulled me close and kissed me. I felt a jolt down my spine. My lips tingled. His lips were thin I processed, so how come they felt so good. I worried that mine were vacuming his..lol but his kiss inceased in intensity and I could think of nothing more than enjoying the kiss. I could not move if I wanted, he held me that close. His hands on my neck, my waist, my face...kissing kissing. I had my hand on his back, felt the rigid muscle, my chest crushed onto his hard chest and felt such a strong bolt of lust. The last time I touched a man was....

Goodness I can't believe this is happening...oh my God it's raining all around us...Is that a cop car parked on the street right by us...oh my God I want him. But etiquette demands I can't fuck a man I just met. We sat at the other place, he still kept his arm around me , still stealing kisses, not caring who saw. Acting like kissing me was his dying wish. Yes, I felt like the most attractive girl alive. We walked to my car, the kissing continued, he touched my face, my cheeks, my neck, my lips and I just got lost in his arms. I don't know how I had the fortitude to pull away but I had to. He is not sure if he wants kids, he drinks regularly and I don't know if he believes in God. So where does this leave us...

With memories of sweet kisses in the rain.

*fiction or real? your guess is as good as mine...

Amigos

2009-10-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

My friends...so different, so necessary, so appreciated, so loved. Don't you just love having friends? Well I know some people don't and are full of gory tales of betrayal. But me? My friends are actually good. I don't feel like I deserve them. I am often surprised by them. I have my chaste friends who never judge my sexual exploits. I have my hang out friends who are always down for a good time. I have the ones who listen to my endless rambles or tirades. I have the ones who are there whenever I am in a financial bind, no questions asked. The ones who gave me rides when I had no car. The ones who brought me goodies when I was down with chicken pox. The ones who stood in the gap as my family during graduation because my family couldn't make it. Sometimes I actually avoid my friends, feeling that this is that one time that they will condemn...but unfailingly when I do pick up that call, I am left feeling uplifted. So what is the greatest gift a friend brings? Acceptance. A true friend accepts you for who you are. To all my friends out there, I thank God for you, I love you, I appreciate you and I hope I am also a friend to you.

Today...

2009-10-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

Today I saw death and I saw Love

Today I saw death...

At 10am he lay on his bed, a little incoherent but still able to communicate with us and with the ones he loved. He taught American History for 40 years, with his bellowing voice commanding attention. His last name means "onion" in 17 languages. You try to guess his ethnicity but it's hard to tell from the intense yellowing of his skin from his dead liver and the greying disarray of his hair. Before I knew it, it was 6pm and the loved ones kept vigil around his bed. "Doctor, they called, he is agitated, thrashing and gasping, he looks like he's in pain, can't you give him something?" I walk in to assess and I am thrown by what I see. His eyes are glazed and his gaze is set upon thehorizon seeing things I probably can't fathom. I wrote for Morphine, the loved ones were satisfied, but I could not tear myself away. I pulled up a chair and joined their vigil. He struggled against his sheets, as if trying to hold on to this world. This world, so full of his pain and his disease, yet so full of the love of his loved ones. The certainty of existing must have seemed more comforting than the uncertainty of what lay ahead. So he struggled. The breathing...loud, like gasps, his neck veins distending, his thin chest muscles struggling to keep air pumping to the brain. In his thrashing, his nakedness was revealed, no one seemed to notice but me. It didn't matter that he was uncovered to them, all that mattered was their loved one was dying. I covered him up and rubbed his cold feet, praying silently that he finds peace wherever he goes...at 7pm I pronounced him dead.

Today I saw Love...

She is about 6ft tall, blonde Scandinavian looks, the crown of her head beginning to whiten. I knew her name but most importantly I knew her role in his life. It was "fiancee." She sat on his left, rubbing his hand, his shoulder, his hair, his face. I looked at him and her. He was dying but she was more intriguing. How could she stay so poised, when you could feel the emotion between them. I looked at her peering into his face intently as if beckoning him to either stay with her or take her along. Quickly, i would look away....I felt like I was intruding. For the first 30 minutes we were silent. I didn't know what to say. What could one say in a situation like this? Whenever, I am unsure, I giggle or stay silent...the latter seemed more appropriate. "Where you born here?" she asked, startling me out of my thoughts. No, I replied and told her my path to the present. Her accent was thick so i asked if she'd been in this country long. 20yrs she said, but i met him 5yrs ago. He lay between us still gasping. She spoke to me, but his hand was grasped tightly in hers. They met at a fundraising dance. She noticed him immediately he walked into the room. I could imagine it so clearly, like her, he was tall. He asked her to dance, there was a spark. She fell in love at first sight (I kid you not those were her words) and she was 45 (never too late). They parted ways, he never asked for her number. 6 months later he recognized he name on one of those mass professional emails. He sent her an email, "Hi...been dancing lately?" She replied, "No...waiting for you to take me." They went to dinner and have never been apart since then. He proposed on her 50th birthday almost a year ago. She said, "he didn't want to die, he fought so hard not to leave me..." Her eyes shone with tears, she turned her gaze from me ... continued to rub his face, his hair, his skin, his hand...her love.

When Love Ends

2009-09-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

One of the best and worst things about people is that we are all unique in our approach even as we quest after similar goals. Sometimes I fantasize about how much easier life would be if others thought like me. Anyhow, have you ever experienced heartbreak? OMG, I totally have. When I was 24, I remember being so heartbroken that I couldn't eat for days. Funny enough, I was infatuated with the fella and not yet in love, but the shock of how it happened shattered my soul. I remember intermittently weeping, asking "why me" over and over and resolving to be wiser. I got over him and the next guy I dated was even better. I had my heart broken yet again, which is funny 'cos I initiated the break up, but I was devastated that the guy didn't fight for me, despite our professions of love to each other. I must have loved him because I did not wish him harm :), with all my soul, as sad as I was, i wanted him to have happiness. Again I hurt, but the next guy I dated was a good guy too. So, eventually I learned that time heals, and there isn't just 1 good guy/girl out there. In each of my relationships I remember the bad but I also remember the good that I experienced, so I am grateful.

I have learned not to cast blame. No matter who did the breaking up, I strive to always look inward and see what may have been done differently. When I hurt, I hardly ever let the guys know that I am hurting whether I am the heartbreaker or the heartbreakee. I just handle it on my own, with my friends and with God. I don't know if this is the best way because, I have now amassed somewhat of a reputation as someone who has no emotions I guess. It's ironic because I am so dramatic that my emotions probably run like a Tsunami. If a guy, breaks my heart and I break down in front of him and share my despair, loneliness and hopelessness, what will it achieve? 1. make him feel like he's the bomb since i liked him so much or 2. It might make him feel guilty and take me back. Do I wanna be a charity case? Hell no. Conversely, if I broke the guy's heart, and then unleashed my tears, fears, feelings of failure because I really did think for a moment that I had found my soul mate and had to let it go what will that achieve? 1. cause him pain 'cos he won't understand why I broke it off or 2. giving him opportunity to reinforce my feelings of guilt or 3. him thinking I am mentally unbalanced. None of the scenarios are appealing to me, so this is why I do all my agonizing alone. Sometimes, I do cut exes off when they are detrimental to my emotional health. Do my methods make me emotionally unavailable? I think not.

Oh and to all the people, that when love ends, swear off this and that e.g. black people or white people or Nigerians or Ghanaians or new yorkers or men or women...you are just letting the other person win. I implore you to love harder in your next relationship...always let love win.

My Blog, My Life, My Space...

2009-09-14T02:14:00.000-07:00

My heart has been heavy, so many thoughts in my head that I have wanted to write, but I didn't. In fact, I was going to shut down my blog... I finally decided not to. For the second time, in my short stay on blogville someone has been hurt by what I have posted. Not only is it an unpleasant feeling because I hate real-life drama, but it also makes me wary of what to post. My blog was supposed to be my escape, where I could speak my happy, random, lustful, deep or dark thoughts uncensored. It is why I don't go around inviting people to read my blog nor have I posted the link on any social networking sights. But you know what? I have decided to reclaim my space. This is MY FREAKING SPACE! To those, I have hurt by the things I have posted, all I can do is say I am truly sorry, but I need this blog, so if reading it hurts you please delete the link from your memory or your computer.

If you do continue to read, think of it like the times you are mad at a friend and call them names in the heat of the moment, but when push comes to shove you make up and have each other's back. It's just like my childhood diary in which I said I hated my parents, and my mom found it, but I guess she knew I was just expressing myself 'cos she didn't hate me back :) So people out there need to realize that things I say here are an expression of how I feel or felt but are not written in stone nor are they evidence or exhibits for a court case. If I say my best friend is a bi**h today, I reserve the right to say she's the best thing that ever happened to me tomorrow. Why? because I am only human and emotions are like the colors of the rainbow. On my part, I have now learned never to go into my blog on random computers.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I would like to acknowledge on here that YES it is true that I am almost 30 and single again, and the world is not going to end. It is still fresh and difficult for my mind to wrap around the idea of him as "ex" and not "bf" so if I need to refer to him by some other moniker (suggestions are welcome). P/s CIL you are the only one I know in these parts so you need to provide your shoulder for me... My posts about love and confusion have culminated in a decision. Still don't know if it was the right one but it's been made and now I will have to live with the consequences. I doubt I would ever have been brave enough to end it on my own, if his email to me did not propel me to. No matter how confused I felt, no matter how much of a keeper he was, no matter how I fear dying a spinster atimes (not all the time lol), no matter how I didn't want his friend to gloat, the simple fact was a relationship is not right if both partners cannot be themselves. That was the crux of his email, I agreed with it, the calls were made, the talk was had. We are both devastated but I have to believe that things will get better. They will ... right?

Tide of Life

2009-09-08T15:33:00.000-07:00

Hello peeps...so thanks again for all your replies to my love confusion question.
I agreed with something in all of your opinions. Anyways, life is intense right now, going through some changes and all what not. Yesterday my bestie shocked me by revealing she had left me behind in the pessimistic world. I am like; say whaaaaaat? I don't want to be the only pessimist in town, so me too I am shifting my thinking. When one door closes ... another opens. This week I have shed tears, but guess what? I have actually had more episodes of laughter. I have no social life here, which is somewhat depressing but it is the nature of my job, and I just have to make that effort on my one precious day off to get out there especially before it starts snowing and what not. It's hard though, I am so tired usually and just wanna lay in bed and watch movies all day. However, I do have 2 weeks of vacation coming up in November and I can't wait to travel somewhere.....Vegas perhaps? Any takers? Thank God for my mom, she rocks, she's so patient with my idiosyncrasies and is not judgemental unlike her better half...lol. I better play my Wii for a few minutes, as the person that gifted it to me might ask me to return it in the near future. Have a good rest of the week everyone, and if you pray, pls throw a quick one up there for MPB that she didn't just ruin her life.

confusion

2009-08-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

I have been googling and have not found satisfying answers.
So maybe you can help.
How do you know when you are in love versus just loving someone?

Cant think of a title

2009-07-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

-I have probably used the title "random" before so can't title this that.
-I have never worked so hard in my life as I am currently doing. When I come home I am sometimes too exhausted to read y'alls blogs how much more update mine. So Kate better lower your expectations :) I get 4 days off per month period! Nothing like weekdays or weekends...it all blurs into one until that 1 day off every 7-9 days. Is that legal?
-I am in awe of dance. Watching "So You Think You can Dance." There's no better way to feel alive. That being said, I have no clue when next i am going to dance.
-Work is often drama filled.
-My fav show of the year is Make it or Break it on ABC family. I especially love the intro where each girl is featured doing a routine. I just see strength, power, skill and grace. Check it out when you get a chance.
- I now have DVR, so I can keep up with my shows while being an indentured servant.
- Is it just me or are babies raining everywhere? Would you tell your friend or someone you knew that their baby was cute even if you didn't think so? I usually stay silent.
-I gave in to my sushi craving tonight
-I miss my mom and worry about her being alone in The Gambia.
-I love LOVE but I still find it scary and daunting half of the time
-I finally watched Madea goes to Jail and it made me cry. Don't wanna ruin the movie for anyone or I'd tell you why
-Lord, please i don't want to be admitted to the hospital for any disease. I want to always be healthy and die in my sleep of old age. Amen.
-Will I ever be debt free?
- I am enjoying slowly decorating my apartment. That being said, what colors go with black and red?
-Adulthood....sigh
- when i started work I had this braids-weave combo hairstyle, but it itched so much that I took it out prematurely. Not wanting to stress my hair just yet, I decided to rock my wig for a few weeks. Well, people at work are like "i love your new bob," "i love your new haircut." Usually, I am used to such comments, but I started feeling like maybe with a wig (i have never worn one longer than a day) it's different etiquette and i should come clean and say it's a wig, because unlike braids and weaves, this may actually fall off...

Seth

2009-07-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

My ex roomie and one of my closest friends from Littletown, NC just had a baby boy; Seth, and I can't believe how excited I am. A part of me secretly wants to be his god mom, but a part of me feels it's wrong. After all, when she found out she was pregnant for a guy she had only known for 2 weeks and asked my advice; I told her I would not keep the baby...and I didn't mean adoption. One time, I even told her maybe she'd miscarry it and everything would be back to normal. Luckily, she has a high tolerance for my tactlessness.

In the first 6 months or so of her pregnancy, I was in denial and the few times i thought about the fetus, I did not think too favourably of it because I felt it ruined our 4th year. This was our last year of many years of school and she and I were supposed to PARTY it up; now she couldn't drink and couldn't go to clubs. It sucked! Everyone, around her loved touching her belly, and I that lived with her never did until her 8th month. I remember feeling him kick and being filled with curiosity at what this being in her was like.

Graduation came, I moved to Ohio and on the 6th she texted me at 5am saying her water just broke. Despite being so busy, I called her at least 3 times to monitor her progression and would have given anything to be there. From nowhere I developed these feelings of protection and care towards her and her baby, and just wanted them to be ok. He was born, perfect, biracial, healthy, with hair (she was freaked out about having a bald baby lol) and I was not there to see him. I really wanted to. I am so happy she kept the baby. I can't wait to meet him one day. Having an unplanned pregnancy is scary as hell, but watching her progress through this thing has shown me, that things tend to work out so don't be afraid to keep the baby. Plus the unconditional, overwhelming love most normal moms feel afterwards make it worth it.

grrrr

2009-07-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

What's your remedy for an absolutely horrible day?
I feel weak, tired, and frustrated...

Be careful with your toys

2009-06-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

So...I went out of town this weekend and like an addicted perv, I took my trusted vibrator with me. So how come I was at the airport today, trying to get through security to get on my return flight when I felt a mild vibration. I was like, it must be my phone and figured after the backpack gets through the metal detector I'd take care of it. By the way, I had a back pack and a purse. Soooo, I got through security, carried my back pack, held my purse and walked towards my gate. My phone rang, I picked up and 10 minutes into my convo, realized I was still feeling vibrations, so I figured maybe the motion of planes flying, transit trains etc must be causing a vibration. 20 minutes into my convo, ah ah this time the vibration seemed to pick up intensity 'cos I could feel it against my back, so I started wondering if I had accidentally packed someone's phone into my backpack, when it suddenly came to me. My bloody "bullet" must have tripped on and was vibrating!

I get to my gate, sit on a chair, figuring that as soon as i got off the phone i could free my hands and turn it off. No hurry since it was just a mild buzz. Now 1 thing you should know about the bullet is that it comes in 7 intensities or styles of vibration. Meanwhile adjacent to me, on the next aisle of chairs were 2 cute young men in their late 20's or early 30's. They were conversing and laughing from time to time. As soon as I hung up the phone, they turned to me and one said, "do you realize you are buzzing" and he immediately giggled and looked at his friend. Now, that I didn't have the phone call distraction I realized to my horror that while sitting down, I must have applied pressure on the intensity button, so my shege was now LOU....D and no one could mistake it for a phone 'cos it actually had a rhythm. Plus, I had been clearly using my phone! I was beyond mortified! I tried to discretely switch the bloody thing off, but those guys were non politely staring at me (probably hoping they'd see it). Luckily I was able to remove one of the batteries without having to take the bloody bullet out. Of course today of all days, I wore a shirt saying "NIGERIAN; born, bred, always." So, I felt like a piece of my identity was revealed.

Perception versus Reality

2009-06-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went to get a look at Curves (much hyped fitness gym for women) and in the course of explaining the features of the gym to me, the front desk lady said, "...although you look very fit to me." Last week, an Asian colleague of mine was trying a lab coat and after asking for a size 0 (which they didn't have), she asked what size I got, and I said "size 8", and she was like, "an 8!!! How? You have the smallest waist I have ever seen!!" I get these kinds of comments from time to time and it got me thinking as to who is lying to who? When I am naked in front of the mirror, I see an average sized chick with blossoming wobbly bits. Standing, I have a flat stomach, but when I sit it folds over, so it definitely could do with some tone, etc etc. But comments like the above make me wonder if my vision is impaired/too critical. Conversely, are these people lying, who act like I am a svelte, toned athlete/model?

Don't get me wrong, this is not a self deprecating post, I am truly amazed at how we perceive the world and people around us versus what is actually real. Can a girl who's a size 0 even ever physically have a bigger waist than a person that fits into size 8? So how come she looks at me and sees the tiniest waist when all she has to do is look in a mirror? To put myself out there, last time I weighed myself I was 148 lbs and the ideal weight for someone my height is 117-143 lbs. So while compared to the average American, one might not say i am fat, however, I am clearly outside my ideal weight and cannot be considered "tiny", or "skinny" as some people delude themselves that I am. So again who is perceiving erroneously?

This concept applies to beauty too. It's amazing how I might consider myself a 7 on a 1-10 scale, but another person can perceive me as a 9, while another as a 4. Whose perception is accurate? Do we see what we want to see, what we expect to see or what the mind believes? Perhaps a mix?

Just talk

2009-06-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

So I started work today, well with orientation. All I will say about that is that it went great! I decided to start a 2nd blog dedicated to my professional life so I don't bore anyone on here with that medico ish.

Meanwhile, you know something about me? I kinda obsess about the length of my relationships. I have a confession and it's that I have never been in an official official relationship for greater than 6 months. My cousin says that doesn't mean something is wrong with me, but you know cousins are biased so I can't help thinking about it constantly, to the point that I try to have these 6 month deadlines e.g. don't want to introduce bf to family until 6 months, worried about having sex before 6 months, not wanting to say "i love yous" and certainly not trusting already said "i love yous" completely until 6 months. Right now it's a constant struggle to just relax and not think about how long my bf and I have been together. We became exclusive Feb 14 weekend, so it's only been 4 months and the more I think about it the more time just seems to be going by slowly. Sometimes I get tempted to count from when we 1st started talking 'cos that would make it 5.5 months. People are dying in the world and this is what I am obsessing about lol. Don't judge me.

Two of my pet peeves are overly perky people and people that gush about their significant others constantly; conversation after conversation, minute after minute, facebook status after facebook status. I am irritated by very positive people and even more irritated by very negative people. As such, last night I decided to choose the lesser of 2 evils and incorporate more positive thinking into my psyche. It's actually good for the health and like I said positivity is less irritating than negativity. Perkiness nko? Hell NO! Energetic; hell yeah but not perky. Semantics perhaps? Maybe, maybe not. I feel energetic people are more personal/internalized with their ish but perky people are all up in your face actively trying to incorporate you.

I need to go grocery shopping. I think I find it therapeutic. Hmm I am still trying to figure that one out. Don't like the crowd, standing in line nor trying to decide between brands. BUT I like seeing the "chosen" in my cart and feel little pleasure tingles as I contemplate eating them on my couch. So even if I intend to go to the store to get just a household item like a light bulb, I inevitably grab an edible item as well. So does this mean I like grocery shopping or do I just like food?

Life of a Bum

2009-06-11T22:02:00.000-07:00

Wed, June 10:
11pm - make a list of errands to do
11.30pm - List looks like:
-wash and condition hair
-vacuum apartment
- study so as not to look incompetent when work eventually starts
- go do fingerprinting at the hospital
- do orientation modules
- wash bathroom
- get gas/fuel
- EXERCISE (bum hasn't worked out in a month)
1am - asleep in bed

Thurs, June 11:
12noon - Wakes up (rejoices on waking up early today)
1pm - eats brunch
2-4pm - gives hair spa treatment (pats self on the back for showering). Wipes down shower curtain, will do tub after vacuming apartment.
4-6pm - does orientation modules in bed interspersed with facebooking, email, blog surfing, snacking
6-7.20pm - talk to beloved on the phone before he leaves for night shift
7.20pm -10pm - continue activity of 4-6pm above, grabs snack (casually observes that fridge is beginning to look empty despite grocery shopping 3 days ago)
10pm - decides modules were too tasking so will postpone exercising, getting gas, vacuming, bath tub, studying, fingerprinting to a better day
10.30pm - settles down to dinner after a "tiring" day and proceeds to watch the NBA game
12.30am - 1.15am - TV (which has nothing interesting on), visits blog roll again, contemplates ramming head on wall, decides to update blog :)

Counting Blessings

2009-06-08T19:49:00.001-07:00

I was gonna bitch and moan about a couple of things but I decided to count my blessings instead across my major life areas.

1. Finances
So financially strained but as each bill comes, God has provided an avenue or means for me to pay and make it through.

2. Shelter
I have a place to live. My new bank is right in my apartment complex. It may not seem like it, but my new place is an upgrade. Great parking here.

3. Health
My allergies are getting better since I started immunotherapy.

4. Spiritual
I haven't been struck by lightening, brimstone or plagues yet. There's still hope I'll make heaven.

5. Relationships
Great friends and loving bf I do appreciate. Family will be family, thank you for the good and the bad 'cos it's better to have than not to.

6. Food
Was able to have my faves this week: Haagen dazs dulce de leche, sushi, grapes.

Yes, food is an important part of my life :)

Changes

2009-06-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

Some people like change and some people don’t. Like many human beings, I have experienced change but since I never recorded how I felt at that exact moment, I could never recall if I was one of those people that thrive with change. Thanks to now having a blog, I can record my current feelings and boldly admit that I do not like change.

In the space of 2 weeks I have graduated from medical school and the transition from student to doctor/working adult freaks me out. I am dreading meeting my first patient on June 29^th. I miss all my classmates for the last 4years and I am not looking forward to learning a new hospital and new colleagues.

This week I moved to my new abode in Bigtown, Ohio which should be a welcome change from Littletown, NC but since my boyfriend left after moving me in, I have been too scared to venture outside my apartment. This means I have been eating toast, tea and noodles because I am yet to try finding the nearest grocery store. Also, my apartment didn’t look as nice as I remembered when I came to look for a place. In fact, I doubt the place I have is what I was shown but oh well what’s a girl to do?

In Littletown, NC I lived in a clear cut residential area with sidewalks for walking, jogging etc. Here, my apartment seems to be the only modern and nice looking building within eye distance. I am next to a bank, coffee shop, school, church and busy street. Maybe in the future, I will appreciate the location but right now, I am terrified of all the activity around me and can’t imagine taking a stroll. The good news is that I live 5 minutes drive from the hospital.

Before moving here I had scheduled Cable and Internet, trying to be on top of things. Got here and found out my orders were totally messed up, so I am without cable or internet. The internet part is the worst and all the damn wireless networks around me are secure so I can't steal J which means I am typing this blog entry on a word document out of boredom and lack of nothing else to do.

Still can’t get used to how much I am paying for rent and the fact that it doesn’t include any amenities or utilities. By the way this city must be dirt poor, I see lots of old, decrepit buildings…aargh.

Phew I am stuck here for the next 4 years so I hope I grow to like it here.

Randoms:

-I am in love with the HGTV channel especially when the people go to pick out homes

-My fav lifetime movie of all time is "Gracie's choice"

Friends, Acquaintances, Enemies

2009-05-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

My friend/ex friend pissed me off. This statement is a big deal, because I am finally acknowledging that I am pissed. All this while, I have said "I am merely irritated...", "talking to him takes effort..."

Anyways, this all began a couple of weeks ago when my friend Tim got drunk. Tim and Travis are roomies and both my friends. Their idea of fun is getting wasted and when they do, they can be quite silly and borderline unsavoury e.g. using derogatory terms on people around them. Well the most recent drunken spree Tim indulged in, I happened to dial him and he picked up and said "slut!" Promptly, I hung up and texted him saying that I don't care how drunk he is that I take offense at that slur. The next night or two days later, he sent me a text saying sorry. Things have never been the same since then. I am angry at him because I don't think a text message is adequate. I expect a verbal apology and if I offend someone, I would call to apologize.

Ok, so next I sent an Evite to all my friends about my graduation and thanks to facebook such things are hard hide anyways and this nucca did not call to say congrats or even to rsvp that he can't make it and i am pissed at that too! I guess I am one of those peeps that hate when people forget their memorable events like birthdays etc. It may be childish but I can't help it. Now, I am thinking how this dude, Tim, is not the friend I thought he was and is merely my acquaintance. He sent me texts inviting me to his cookout and I refused to go, so that's how it dawned on me that I am pissed at him :) Anyways, 1 more week and I'll be outta here.

Meanwhile, I have friends that are involved in friendships that seem like so much more work than it's worth and i don't get it. I have friends that distrust each other, are paranoid about each others motives, say cruel things to each other, yet for some reason there is a need to hang on to the friendship. I believe all relationships go through ups and downs and you work at them BUT I am less stringent with friendships. I believe friendships result from a natural cosmic flow. You meet you click and you become friends. To me the work should only come in the form of trying to keep in contact. Anything else just seems too distressing and exhausting to me. So my advice to you for the week, let go of toxic friends and discover new ones.

They Call Themselves Nice Men

2009-05-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Recently, one of my facebook friends initiated a discussion about whether nice men do finish last. I am sure you guys have heard that complaint at one time or another from some of your guy friends or significant others. I don't entirely agree or disagree with the cliche, but one of the controversial aspects is what constitutes a nice man because "niceness" is so subjective. So here are some things that maybe seen as nice but will make a guy "finish last" with moi:

- So nice that you lack confidence and initiative e.g. guys that ask me before they kiss me...eww, guys that have to run EVERY single decision by me. Guys that are shy are a turn off for me period.
- So nice that everyone and their mama takes advantage of your generosity. The word "no" or the concept of "boundaries" are foreign to you. You may have even been the victim of scams and 419.
- So nice that I have called you names or insulted you and you just smile sheepishly....dodonyo oshi.
- So nice that you take months to initiate some sort of physical contact, there's a very fine line and then I start viewing you as a brotherly figure.
- So nice that you avoid confrontation at all costs and always defer to my opinion during intellectual arguments.
- So nice that you have no vices; past or current. Can I say boring? I can do without druggies, alcoholics and cheaters but come on you have to have done something you were not proud of in the past or may be working on...oh well.

P/S Happy Cinqo de Mayo

Roc's Quote

2009-05-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I have absolutely nothing to blog about. However, I have been enjoying other people's blogs while a certain person has been pestering me to post. On my last post, Rocnaija shared a quote I never want to forget so I am posting it in this entry.

"Remember that no talent, no brains, no character, are required to set up in the fault-finding business.. Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combating the mundane forces of jealously and envy. Guard your fragile life carefully. Only God can shape a flower, but any foolish child can pull it to pieces.”

Have a nice week blogville. Love you guys and all your beautiful writing!

Confused

2009-04-12T18:58:00.001-07:00

- I miss my ex ex. But then if I was with him I can't even guarantee I wouldn't be confused about something or the other.
- Physique vs personality is a constant battle in my head. I want butterflies.
- I don't trust myself
- Family drives me crazy
- I hate loneliness but sometimes I just want to disappear into a hole and be alone forever
- How did I become messed up with relationships?
- There are never answers so why do i keep ruminating on questions
- I have regrets

The Stolen Generations

2009-04-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

Does life imitate art or does art imitate life? That was an essay topic I had to address in English lit back in the day. You can argue both ways to answer that question and I don't really know the truth. But I really like the quote; "fiction is a lie that tells us the truth about other people's lives" which is a modification of Picasso's "art is a lie that tells the truth." I say this because I have been in my little bubble feeling like I am aware of all the historical acts that exemplify man's inhumanity to man, not knowing that I had stuff to learn.

This spring I have learned about Australia's "stolen generations" through movies like "The Rabbitproof Fence" and more recently, "Australia." Did you know that between the 1860's and 1970's...yes, i said 1970's children of mixed race (aborigine + white) were forcibly taken from their families and "trained" in church missions? The goal was for them to serve white owners and procreate with them so as to genetically wipe out the black/aboriginal blood in future generations. These kids were forced/trained to forget their aboriginal culture. I find it so disheartening.

I have always know that Aborigines were discriminated against in Australia, but I definitely was not aware of their kids being taken just like that. Like what the hell is that? These yeye church missions; why couldn't they say no? How could they believe God wanted that? I have to say Christianity is one of the most abused religions ever. I remember this one scene in Australia where the white father tried to shoot his mixed kid and tears just rolled down my eyes. Even though people repeatedly made reference to the kid as his son, this yeye man did not see "his progeny" or even "a kid" all he saw was a half-caste, "a creamy"; something less than human.

Y'all should google the stolen generations. Pls watch "Rabbitproof fence." Anyways, the Australia govt reportedly apologized for this stuff in 2008. All I can say is I pray I never become blindly prejudiced to anyone and I hope I never view another human being as inferior to me. That being said I am glad I have fiction to teach me about how some people live or have lived. Gnite.

Blondes

2009-04-05T23:29:00.000-07:00

I just realized that every Caucasian dude I ever had a serious crush on in Littletown, NC is now dating some blonde. No wonder I hate blondes. Ok I don't hate them but I think brunettes are generally prettier. There are only 3 blondes I like: Charlize Theron and 2 chicks from big brother USA (go Janelle and Dani).

Byron- we met at orientation 4yrs ago. He had done volunteer work in Abia State. I took that as a sign from God that we were meant to be. He got engaged to his blonde last fall. Glad i didn't date him: he hunts deer - I dance, he's a recluse - I am a social butterfly.

Travis- My fav skinhead (lol not, just bald). He was checking me out at the bar 2yrs ago. I remember freaking out wondering if I was about to be lynched. Afterall, I was 1/2 black people at the bar that night. Come to find out he was with our gp. After many heart to heart conversations, 1 hot make out session, friends saying we should get together...NADA. He's been dating his older, chubby blonde for almost a year now. Still close friends but glad I didn't date him; he abuses alcohol.

Matt- My classmate. Not even cute. Nice body, so aloof and mean looking...all i needed as fodder for a hot being ravished fantasy. He's been dating many blondes. Saw him jogging with one today. Glad I didn't date him; he wears high water/jump up pants...nuff said.

Ryan- My classmate. Flirted with me constantly. Asked me to be his date at the Holiday Ball two years ago. Had some fun study sessions. Here's the kicker: we had a lunch date and he told me about some trippy blonde chick that was sweating his ass. She wanted more but he just wanted fun sex (which he had the guts to proposition me for in one of those study sessions...lol silly man). He and trippy blonde have had a relationship albeit rocky for more than a year now. Glad I didn't date him; emotional baggage and the trippy blonde thing shows he lacks strength of character.

Todd - met him at some anatomy lab. He looks like an Adonis; blonde tousled hair and athletic. The icing on the cake? He's a bloody medical physicist and a great dancer. Who can resist that? I instantly crushed. Long story short he and his blonde moved in together. Glad I didn't date him; I would have been too insecure.

Jeb- Another clean shaven head. First convo was at a dance party, then I stole many clandestine looks at him in the library. His name was unusual. I met him a couple of months before he graduated and moved to Utah. Dashing my dreams. Thanks to facebook I saw he was/is dating a brunette though. So thumbs up to him. Would have dated him :)

Ah how I love to crush, gives purpose to a dreary day. The anticipation, the strategizing, the high of achieving conversation, eye contact or actually hanging out...oh la la. Now if I could just get rid of the blondes...

Blabber Blabber

2009-04-05T22:37:00.000-07:00

~What do you want from me?
You didn't fight for me
Yet you call me
You don't want me
Yet you won't let go
There are beautiful women all around you for the taking
So why won't you just let me be?
It's not the chase 'cos you've already had me
I've called you out, bared my heart, we agreed to never be
Now I am happy and free
So why did you call me?
Aren't you happy to be free of me?

~How can you love someone and yet you can't seem to get along?
I call you father, you call me daughter
yet our conversations elevate my blood pressure
you make me want to scream
smash something
your paranoia, assumptions, over protectiveness, demands
put me on the defensive
some say i should just lie so that there will be peace
why must I lie to you?
At this rate, i don't know that I have a choice...

~My lover
You make me smile
You get me
You let me be me
You like my quirks
You uplift me
You care
You listen
Thank you

God, sin and I

2009-03-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

Hello my people!!! Word up! So I went to church today after a long hiatus, not an intentional one; it's cos I have been out of town a lot recently. Anyways, I have this thing where I can't stay away from fellowshipping with God's people for too long. I mean I try to not let a week pass by without me reading my devotional and I pray almost daily (interestingly my prayers tend to be about asking for mercy) but nothing beats that sense of communal worship and hearing some stranger bring a word from God that seems written just for you.

OK oh so as I was saying, I went to church and shortly after the introductory sermon by the pastor's wife, I just felt so guilty about my sin and decided that perhaps I should stop going to church. My reasoning is based on a biblical passage that stuck with me as a kid; something about it is better to be an outright sinner or non christian than to be a lukewarm/middle-of-the-road christian. I can't remember the exact words of the passage but I know there were dire ramifications such as; being cast to the jackals and torn to shreds in the pits of despair.

So am I a lukewarm christian? I dunno. I know that I sincerely believe in the Lord with all my heart and I love him but for the life of me I can't seem to stop that one sin. The sin of premarital sex/fornication. Yes, I know can ask for forgiveness, yes I know God came for us sinners, but it's like what's the point of me asking for forgiveness if I keep sinning? So doesn't that make me a lukewarm xtian? Plus, how can I claim to love God but keep doing something that must hurt him?

Well as I despairingly came to the conclusion that I must be exiled from the body of Christ, my pastor began his sermon. Guess what he talked about? John 21:15-25. Well known passage, but the pastor had an interesting spin on it. Basically, when Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, he meant agape (divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, infallible) and when Peter replies, "yes, Lord I love you" he means philia (brotherly love, emotional, conditional and ultimately fallible). There's nothing wrong with the latter love except that it falters sometimes, hence Peter denied Christ at the cross.

In a nutshell, Peter was a sinner and even when his love for God hadn't evolved into agape, God still accepted him, used him and loved him. The preacher said, "God still wants you just as you are, no matter how unworthy you feel." Wow, i just couldn't believe it! It made me happy. My sin is not okay, but it doesn't mean I can't allow myself to love God and I guess it doesn't mean I should be excommunicated from the church. Sha, I didn't have the liver to take communion even though the preacher said we sinners could; I just couldn't escape my Anglican indoctrination from childhood about the sanctity of Holy Communion. But it's all good, I am just happy I can still go to church and worship my God.

My babysitter

2009-03-17T16:38:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel like a kid whose parents (school) went out leaving me alone with the babysitter, however my babysitter is the Internet. I never seem to lack for sources of entertainment on the Internet. It's probably a little pervasive because I can't remember the last time I went to the gym or salsa or did real physical activity. I keep telling myself I'll do so when the temperature outside is consistently above 65 degrees F :) I confess that I've been lying to my guy, nothing major just that he thinks i go to the gym daily. I tell him though, because it motivates him to go, which is good since he has a slower metabolism than I do. Anyhow, as far as school, i am on cruise control right now until graduation, hence my current state of indulgence and sloth. Anyhow, my browsing led me to this "dear Jane" column post on yahoo that I thought was hilarious, so i just had to share it with you guys. If you are having a bad day i hope it amuses you. If it doesn't....then you are just having one of those days.

Sex with a big man ?
Hi! I'm a 22 year old girl, weighing 50 kg /100 lbs. My husband put some serious weight lately, getting a fat round belly and weighing around 120 kg/ 265 lbs and that is causing some problems while we have sex in some positions. He likes to be on top and put all his weight on me in this position. That wasn't a problem before but now he is quite heavy and his big belly is crushing me so I have problems breathing. He likes to lean on me so I don't want to ask him to switch to another position but I can't last very long under his big body. Does anyone else have this problem ? If so, what can I do to continue having sex in this position but not being so troubled by his fat belly ?

Replies:
reply 1: Put him on a diet. Tell him you will only have sex once for every 10 lbs he loses. That should get him back to normal real fast.

reply 2: It is like having sex with 2 men at the same time. Divorce him to save your own dear life. His weight can kill you. You should be on top of him or on everything that comes along.

reply 3: Yikes! How did a fatty get a little thing like you? That's sooooo wrong....

reply 4: If your partner is too heavy u should be on top only.

Am i the only one who finds this ish funny? Ok sha if one of you were the ones that posted the question asking for help, I apologize for laughing. I believe the question is important, I am only laughing at the phrasing and the responses. Take care.

Long tins

2009-03-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

"Long tins" is my current favorite naija expression.
Gotta lot to say but dunno where to start so this will just be random.
recently reminisced on some weird but amusing things from my education in naija e.g. learning shorthand, technical drawing, intro tech, learning french from teachers that had never been to french speaking countries, learning MS-dos, writing notes on the blackboard for the teacher because they were too lazy...
Been missing my boyfriend and wondering how i always seem to get in long distance thingies. It's so hard not to see the person whenever. Anyways hopefully it's just for a few months.
I turned 28 yesterday. My granny sent me the sweetest card, talking about how I am such a joy to have in the family. It touched me because the day I die, I want my legacy to be that I was a blessing to someone or that I had a positive impact on someone somewhere.
If you love Nigerian movies register at http://www.bunibuni.com/ great site, no pop ups, good resolution.
My hair is one of my hobbies. I spend a lot of money on my hair. Thank God I know how to do it myself. I just bought a Sedu nano revolution flat iron, karen's body beautiful luscious locks conditioning masque, paul mitchell's the detangler conditioner (on sale at walmart 2 for $26), and alter ego linange texturizer. It all cost $200. Yes, I am insane.
My roomie is having a son. She found out on March 6th. It's so weird and amazing living with her this period. I have gotten to see the changes of pregnancy firsthand. I kid you not, one day her belly was flat and the next day it was out. It took 4.5 months for her to start showing, but once the mini bump popped out, it's been growing exponentially every day. The funny thing is that I will be here for most of it, but our lease is up May 31 and the baby is due July, so I won't get to see it born...
When things are going so well in your life, do you start to freak out 'cos you worry something bad must be around the corner?
What ifs? When I was a 17yr old jambite(freshman) at University of Ibadan, this 300 level (3rd yr) guy, T, took me under his wing. He had a best friend, F, and we all used to hang out on an almost daily basis. However, like opposite sex friendships sometimes do, T kinda started having feelings for me, I started having feelings for F. Nothing happened, 'cos I wasn't sure how F felt. We all went our separate ways, grew up, but still keep in touch. A couple of yrs ago, F and I were talking on the phone and he asked if I ever liked him, I said yes. He said he liked me too but felt disloyal making a move since T kinda had dibs on me. I was happy, but quickly realized we couldn't do anything about it 'cos we now lived in different continents. Also, F's blood type is AS and mine is AS so getting together would mean the risk of having a child struggle with sickle cell anemia. We spent many conversations discussing this issue. Finally, we let go of romantic notions and just preserved our friendship. Fast forward to yesterday, he sent me the link for his wedding site. Yes, he is getting married. F is one of the good guys: nice, caring, fun, hot and the strongest Christian man I know. His faith in Christ is what I like most about him 'cos you know how guys in our generation are with religion. I am so happy for him, but yet I marvelled at how life turned out and I had a brief moment of what if...
I confess that sometimes I think I must be too much of a sinner for God to consider pairing me with a good Christian man. Don't get me wrong, my bfs have been good people for the most part but i have never dated a guy whose faith was stronger than mine, and that's not asking for much 'cos I am a mediocre/struggling Christian. Oh well.
Have a nice week.

Gamophobia

2009-02-20T07:28:00.000-08:00

I freaking love the Internet! I dunno how we survived without it. I was about to make up my lingo for "fear of marriage" but i remembered my Grand Vizier aka google.com and found out "gamophobia" = fear of marriage.

Anyhow, myself, like many others I am sure have dreamt about finding "my rib", "the one", "prince charming", etc and I have expectations that it would not just end at finding him but we would get married and have a family. Well well I just wanna confess that marriage freaks me out...like a lot. I wanna do it...yes, but I wonder if others out there think about the consequences. Yes, I strongly believe there are consequences.

Before getting married, one of the basic questions we are told to address is "why do you want to get married?" I don't know about y'all but my reasons for wanting to get married is not because I love the person so much that I want a lifelong commitment or security etc. Actually, scrap that, those are my reasons in a long list of reasons, but if I was told to list my top 2 reasons for desiring marriage, they would be:

1) Guilt-free sex.

2) Legitimate children.

That being said, my biggest fear about marriage is not marrying the wrong person or getting divorced or being cheated on, although those are up there, my biggest fear is when the sex goes away. I don't care whose fault it is...as in I may not even have the desire for sex anymore after having kids, or when I am 50, I just hate the thought that at some point in my life sex may become absent. Now it's bearable if we are old and 70 and the sexual urge dissipates mutually, but what if the sex goes out of the door prematurely, like right after I have had kids/someone gets paralyzed/boredom?????? Plus, I confess that the thought of having sex with just 1 person for the rest of my life freaks me out. Is that bad?

Also, when you get married some liberties diminish. Gotta share my space, consider his input in making future decisions. With children, I would have to wake up early, feed them, dress them, take them to school, do homework etc. Even with a husband helping it's still a shitload of responsibility. What about merging extended families? What about mixing finances? Oh lawd. They say marriage requires work, but no one knows the full extent of that "work" until you are in it. I am tired of typing jare...

You can safely assume the unknown freaks me out.

Sodom and Gomorrah

2009-02-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

Phew, it's been a hot minute, filled with crazy shifts of emergency medicine, interviews, tests and presentation. I am done and I am glad. I hope I got the spelling of Gomorrah right.

So.....I need to get off my chest that homosexuality intrigues me. My gay friend visited last weekend and he moved to Chicago from Littletown, NC and he is having a blast. He was telling me a story about this guy he met, who is perfect in bed and yet such a gentleman to him when they are out and about. Immediately, I started having mental images of what their sex life could be...is my friend the giver or the receiver? Do they switch up roles? I confess I felt a little horrified to imagine my friend (petite, red headed xtian guy) getting "loved" in the ass but still I was curious to hear more. I wonder what my facial expression looked like, 'cos internally i struggled to look neutral.

That being said, I remembered that one of my fav things about the HBO show; 6ft under was Michael and Keith's romance. They even had a couple of scenes that turned me on; prolly one of their make up sessions after an argument about adoption or Michael being in the closet. Peculiarly, I have absolutely no interest in lesbians it's only gay guys that fascinate me.

Meanwhile, I've watched a few movies recently where 2 random girls hook up e.g at a club, at a get together and usually one of them is not gay. So, I wonder, how do 2 girls spontaneously have "sex"? 'Cos in the scenario/scenes they didn't have time to grab dildos, so are they counting oral sex as sex? Or does making out in the lesbian world constitute sleeping with someone as well? Oh by the way, I had a mini same-sex encounter. Yeah i shared a kiss with another girl. We were at a Halloween party 2 yrs ago and some of our guy friends dared us to kiss and so we shared one semi long wet kiss. If you care how it felt? Soft, not bad, but no sparks either.

Also, one of the greatest romantic movies I have ever seen was Brokeback Mountain and I wonder if I would have felt that way if it was heterosexuals and not homosexuals. I confess that there was a time in my life I used to wonder if I was gay. Shoo I had all these failed relationships under my belt so I wondered, plus I was under the misconception that same sex relationships must be easier. However, i really like feeling a man's hard body holding me, and I love my boobs on me, don't really care for boobs on other women. Also, I hate hugging females 'cos it's soft squishiness on soft squishiness and I don't care for it. Lastly, vaginas are uglier than dicks. Even after my "kiss" i tried to fantasize about a woman and I just couldn't. Maybe it's the Mills and Boon novels I read as a kid, but I need a man man that can hurl me over his shoulder and ravish me. LOL. Butch women don't do it for me either, they look weird.

By the way, i don't care for effeminate gay men, because I think they try too hard. Most women do not flail and swish like they do, so it seems fake to me. I have always wondered about gay couples where the butch man is dating the effeminate man. If you like girly acting/looking men, then why not just date a real girl? Similarly lesbians that go for butch women, why not get a "real" guy?

Oh well thanks for listening to me ramble.

New Love??

2009-01-26T13:38:00.000-08:00

I can't keep it in any longer. I just wanna shout to the world. I confess that I am seriously infatuated with someone right now! I am excited, he is excited. The world looks bright and full of hope, lol. My biggest battle will be; trying not to let the disillusionment from past failed relationships pervade my perception of this possible good thing. You know, trying to adhere to the whole love like you've never loved propaganda. We'll see how it goes...

My beef with jeans

2009-01-25T14:04:00.000-08:00

Can you believe that I only buy jeans about once every 3-4 years? Yet, I go to the mall for one thing or the other almost monthly and on each of those trips, I try on at least 3 pairs of jeans. Jeans hate me and I now officially hate them back, grrrr! I swear I am the only chick on this planet who has difficulty finding jeans. Problem 1 - my legs. It used to befuddle me how my friends that are much taller than me find jeans that are long enough. They would tell me to go to Delias or get Lucky jeans in tall and I would rush, put on the "tall" jeans and they would still be short or just manageable and for prices like $50-80, I don't want to manage, I wanna love the pair of jeans! Then i had to get traditional sewn one day and the tailor measured my inseam at 35" and it finally clicked, just because someone is taller than me, does not mean their legs are necessarily longer. I also stared looking at the inseams of supposedly "tall" jeans and noticed that on average, "tall" is 34" and only some brands like Silver and NY&Co have 35" in some styles.

Problem 2 and 3 - my waist, hips and thighs. Now when i find jeans that are long enough, the fit becomes huge wahala. My jeans size can range from 4 - 13 (American size) depending on what store I am in. Does that make sense to you, 'cos it sure doesn't to me? I wear a pair - the waist is too big, i wear another and my ass crack blasts out of it, i wear another and it doesn't go past my thighs. Yet everyday, I see women who are skinnier, taller, shorter, fatter, curvier, straighter, disproportionally curved, etc all in jeans that fit, jeans that seem made for their bodies. I have tried brand name stores, department stores, unknown stores, target, old navy and right now I am considering walmart. The last pair of jeans I bought, was from Express and they fit, so I keep going back there hoping and so far luck has not shone my way again. Also, i have 2 pairs from Gap, which were just ok (i got them at $25 each and then had to have them altered for $10 apiece for me to love them).

I went to NY&Co this weekend and found a pair that i might like, it was long, but too big at a size 6, so i decided to go order it online. On the website they only had that style in size 2. Can you imagine! What's a girl to do? I have heard of people getting their clothes tailored, maybe I will look into that for jeans. In the meantime, guess I will keep rocking my 4yr old jeans, my dresses and pants. Oh get this, regular pants fit me with no problem, length, fit and all. With them I only shuttle between 2 sizes. So please tell me why I have the variation/deviation/anomaly with denim. Aaaargh I hate hate hate shopping for jeans.

Na lie!

2009-01-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

So trying to make good on one of my new year resolutions, being a better daughter, I called my dad. (By the way, I need to figure out how to hyperlink my former posts for when i reference stuff from old). Anyways, so I called.

MPB: Hello, daddy it's MPB.
Dad: Ah MPB!!! Are you ok this one that you are calling?
MPB: Yeah I am good, i just thought I'd say hi
Dad: Waahoe!!!! [I kid you not, I did not make that expression up, it was what i heard] What a pleasant surprise, i wish you and your brothers would call more often. How is school?
MPB: It's great, i am on emergency medicine and...
Dad: Um sorry to interrupt but since everything is fine, how about I call you later tomorrow, because I am about to watch this my show. I think they call it 20/20 and it starts at 9pm.
MPB: Um..sure, that's fine. [WTF??? That's usually my line] Goodnight.

Na lie, did my dad just bounce me for TV??? Where is his gratitude and appreciation for me pausing Jack Bauer to call eh eh eh?

A lil about porn

2009-01-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

This is a long post 'cos i had to copy and paste an IM convo I just had with my friend. Porn is one of those things that I don't think about. I have watched porn 2ce. 1st time (age 12 or so), i found a tape in my parents room called "summer school". Popped it in the vcr & when i saw what it was, i immediately called my 2 younger brothers to watch it with me, so that if i got caught, we would all be in trouble. The entire time they were crying, and saying that it was a sin, but i told them to shut up and sit down (yeah i was a bully, sicko etc back then). I liked that one, cos there was somewhat of a storyline involving students, teachers, hence the title. The next time, was in college, and it was straight up sex and it grossed me out and that was that, till this convo:

Mr B: so do you steal wireless to look at porn?
mpb: i don't watch porn, although i once fantasized about watching porn with my lover
Mr B: sounds hot
mpb: yeah
Mr B: you have a favorite site?
mpb: dude, last time i saw porn was 7 yrs ago in college, so NO, i don't have a fav site. Btw, how often do u look at porn? a. multiple times daily, b. daily, c. weekly, d. monthly
Mr B: I am a guy, so between options a and b
mpb: dang! would u consider yourself an addict?
Mr B: no cos I am not craving it when I don't see it
mpb: do you think it's ok for a married man or guy in a relationship to look at porn?
Mr B: sure
mpb: it seems like a form of cheating

Mr B: the guy should just be open with his sig other & if she doesn't like it, he should stop. Plus, some women don't mind
mpb: yeah if they have low self esteem, and wanna do whatever it takes to keep the man happy
Mr B: lol that isn't so bad [mpb is thinking: yeye boy].
Mr B: maybe she doesn't put out, so should he watch porn, do nothing, or cheat
mpb: he should work harder on making her want sex- the little things like showing appreciation and romance
Mr B: maybe he does
mpb: prolly doesn't
Mr B: it isn't always the guys fault you know
mpb: i didn't say it was, u said she doesn't put out and i am saying women just don't do that without reason, unless she was pretending to like sex just to trap him into marriage which seems farfetched
Mr B: I would say more times than not, if watching porn precludes a couple from having sex then it's a problem. After people marry, sometimes the sizzle dies or there are periods of non-sizzleness
mpb: hence the need for effort/rekindling something
Mr B: sometimes that doesn't work for people
mpb: or you mean people just like to take the path of least resistance, laziness is the bane of western civilization

Mr B: there are plenty of people in the Eastern part of the world who have sexless and loveless marriages
mpb: so?
Mr B: so if you are in a loveless and sexless marriage, what should you do if you have tried. Sometimes you just got needs. I would think wanking off to porn is better than a person.
mpb: why cant they get divorced?
Mr B: maybe they don't want to
mpb: cos it's too much "work" to be alone huh, hence being lazy and being a porn addict
Mr B: people stay together for the kids, financial reasons, maybe there is love but no sex craving, etc
mpb: so in your past relationships, have you discussed your interest in porn or should i say foray into porn when you are not "busy"?
Mr B: a little, but when in a relationship, I never had a desire or need to go look at porn. Then it was more weekly to monthly thing [here i am thinking, for real????]. What should I do if I don't see her for 3 wks and I have urges, just jerk off in in the shower?
mpb: it's just one of those things like if my man goes to the strip club every week...it's not wrong just distasteful. Also, guys like u that watch porn may have weird and lofty expectations of your woman
Mr B: expectations, of what kind?

mpb: u might want her body to look like the porn stars, u might wonder why she doesn't seem to suck your dick as well as the porn queen seems to be doing to the guy on screen, etc
Mr B: lol if that were the case, the guy needs a reality check, but some guys probably do have those expectations. However, if that is what they want out of a woman, they'll never have a lasting relationship
Mr B: but if u must know, I haven't watched it in over week
mpb: lol ok. By the way, i was gonna type that if a relationship is perfect in every way and the only thing amiss is that one partner has a healthy appetite for porn, then that is not so bad. But u know what Mr B? I couldn't bring myself to type it...i don't think i believe it nor would I want that..lol

So I guess I still find porn distasteful, especially hardcore porn. Do y'all have issues with your s.o. liking porn? Does frequency matter?

Na money kill am

2009-01-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

You know what I thought today? Being single is not so bad, it's when you don't have the money to occupy/entertain yourself that makes it suck. If I had money, I'd sign up for serious dance lessons. Right now I can't even afford the weekly $3 for my just-dance-no-lessons salsa on Wednesdays. If i had money I'd sign up for 5x a week personal yoga lessons instead of the sporadic-never-seem-to-fit-my-schedule lessons I try to attend at the Y. If I had money, I'd sign up for swimming, art or Spanish lessons. Most of all if I had money, I'd plan weekend trips to go see my friends in other States or just travel to my fav hot spots like the Smithsonian, Broadway or go see Cirque du Soleil. Instead what do I do? Read loads of novels, wait for people to visit me, go to the Y, watch TV and movies, go to school, hang out with the same old people here, go to the same old bars...If i wasn't single, I'd do lots of the same things, but the routine is more interesting when shared with another. Also by some stroke of luck, the people I date work, so "we" tend to afford to do more lol. I am not materialistic or a golddigger but I hope you have all heard the saying; "money is the root of all evil, but it sure makes being miserable easier to bear."

New Beginnings

2009-01-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

The new yr began a few days ago and already things are shaking. I got rid of Townie, he's one sick fuck. Townie has this stupid habit of calling me to set up dinner plans and then disappearing. Yes, on the day of, he would just not call and then 2 days later he would text me or call like everything's peachy. This has happened at least 5 times. Two days before xmas, he did it again, I called he didn't pick up, so I left a message telling him to never ask me out again. On xmas day he texted me and I texted; "no you didn't just have the guts to text me! I am calling Verizon right now to have you blocked." Finis, I haven't heard from him since then.

Also, I got rid of my ex that I still had feelings for. Hopefully this time it's for good. My roomie is getting married in court today 'cos she accidentally got pregnant. I hope things work out for the best for her. BFF came to see me over the New yr, lots of cathartic conversation. So, as I go into this new yr I am nervous and curious about how it will turn out. I will be relocating and won't know where till March. I am taking a pseudobreak from guys. Pseudo, 'cos I hear that when girls take breaks from guys it's to find themselves/try to see that you can be fine with being alone, and those are not my goals. I know I am fine with my own company and I am always self reflecting (narcissist that I am). My goal is to emotionally rejuvenate, 'cos right now, I don't feel like opening up to any guy, being vulnerable or providing emotional support to them. I feel like I have nothing below surface to give right now. So my plan is to not try to commit to anyone seriously for a few months, luckily since I am about to move, I can make this coincide. However, if I feel I need more time, I will take it.

This yr, I resolve to say more NOs . No to pity dates or "what if" dates. No to people that want physical contact when I don't want to. This yr I resolve to be less scared of rejection and if I see something I want, go after it...well...subtly :) This yr, I want to rekindle my inner child/joy with life, express my emotions more, be a better friend, better daughter and worry less about situations i can't control.

Conversations with an ex

2008-12-27T21:41:00.000-08:00

You know him.

That one that you think about from time to time. The one where the story of how you met still makes you smile and wonder. But then it doesn't last and it's over. You try to stay away but you can't. You try again and again to forget him, but he's determined to be in your life. The reasons you loved him are the reasons you now hate love:

His looks.
His ability to listen and actually remember all you tell him.
He laughs like you do, from the depths of his soul.
He is the only son just like you are the only girl.
You were both born in the north.
He is multilingual and can toast you in different languages.
He is confident.
He constantly expresses his pride in your accomplishments.
He is family oriented but can stand up to his family.
He's the Scorpio that lights up your Piscean skin.

Dear ex, I am sorry I told you I wish I had never met you, it is true but yet it is so not true. Afterall, if I hadn't met you I don't know that I would have known I could selflessly love, but now I know, I don't know what good it has done me :)

He says your relationship was drama free. He says you are the only one he can talk to about any and everything. He spoke of his faults. He talks of marriage. He says your friends hate him but his like you. He is excited at the possibility of you moving closer to him. Why? He wants to take you out to dinner. This may be true but it's safer to translate it in my mind as a he wants a-can-i-hit-that-one-more-time fuck.

He says, he says ...Shut the fuck up and listen to me: Dear ex, I hear the things you say, but I refuse to sit around and hope for you. But I certainly do hope I never settle for less than the feelings you inspired in me.

Sometimes

2008-12-23T21:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel God doesn't know I exist
Sometimes I feel my spirit is struggling not to be broken
Sometimes I am happy to be alive
Sometimes I wonder if I wronged someone in a past life or if I am part of bad karma
Sometimes I actually feel lucky
Sometimes I feel hate

Men are from Mars

2008-12-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

Last post I brought up Mr Omega. Well we were talking on IM and then it's time to sign off and he's like "Goodnight, I love you." I was shocked and sad all at once.

1. He just transformed in my mind from really nice guy to potentially psycho.
2. Why are people so quick to throw the "L" word around, next thing i know in a couple of months he would have stopped calling me?
3. I immediately thought of Wale, my first love.
4. Is there any hope that i will ever get to the point of not thinking about the aforementioned Wale whenever I hear the word "love?"
5. How can Mr Omega say he loves me when he doesn't know my freaking faults? That pisses me off.

Well, he had to go to bed and says we can talk about it tomorrow. My reply was; "yeah we definitely need to talk 'cos you just scared the shit out of me."

27 aint no joke

2008-12-21T00:51:00.001-08:00

OK y'all so I don't know how or why but my mojo has seriously increased. Maybe it's the winter and people are eagerly drawn to another warm human being. But I am wondering if my pheromones are working overtime at this my ripe age of 27 since it's part of the peak fertility years. Why? Cos in the last couple of months, men are drawn to me like flies to fresh shit! As in there was Mr Omega who would not let me leave Texas. He just wanted me to stay for a few hours and get to have dinner with him, and he would pay for the cost of changing my ticket. Today he sent me a message about how he's beginning to fall in love. I am like "for real?"

Meanwhile, Mr Blind date is on his MPB-is-like-crack phase...apparently, my voice rocks his world. He can't get enough of how i pronounce certain Ibo words, he likes my cooking, he likes my values, he says i am smokin! Men are confused creatures sha, 'cos I told him to not go falling in love with me and he took offense saying that I was jumping the gun and being egotistical, that he is just naturally enthusiastic. I apologized. Today, i get a message saying "I can't stop thinking about you, what have you done to me?" Shuo, is that not a blatant i-like-MPB signal?

Tonight, i was at an xmas party and I got 2 marriage proposals and 1 almost-guy-fight. I felt so bad though, 'cos my guy friend who i think has a mini crush on me gave me a ride to the party and i barely got to hang with him 'cos these 4 fellas there kept trying to have a piece of yours truly. The almost guy fight was when fella 1 and I were dancing and then fella 2 came to dance. Fella 1 immediately shoved him saying "she's with me." Fella 2 looked like he was about to have a fit, luckily he thought better and backed off. The music was from my ipod and I was trying to choose songs and whichever dude dancing with me at that time would not let me even do that.

Long story short, I am enjoying all this attention sha. Whether it is coming from my body being at it's fertile peak, or my "hot" outfits or it's the season, in the words of Kevin Rudolf: LET IT ROCK!

Tis the season to be merry

2008-12-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah Christmas is my fav of all the holidays, but this year things seem bleaker than usual. Merriment does not feel natural to me this 2008. Lots of people I know, seem to be going through a gloomy cycle as well, with the best laid plans going awry. It sucks, 'cos how can I encourage my friends that things are going to be okay when I don't really feel that way. I have always believed that a person's strength lies in how they can roll with life's punches, but then each of those punches leaves a dent in your psyche. You can panel beat the dents out of a car, but with time and continuous dents, the car will eventually fail and lose its lustre. I mean how long can a person keep up their positive energy, and resilient spirit if negative outcomes seem to await at every turn? Sigh. To those of us out there going through less than merry times, I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I don't know that it will be okay, but I sincerely hope things work out.

Love quotes

2008-11-27T08:51:00.000-08:00

Classic love quotes from Glamour (my fav magazine):

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and to be loved."- George Sand
"Love is patient, love is kind...it keeps no record of wrongs."-Corinthians 13:4-5
"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." - James Baldwin
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away." - Maya Angelou

Those quotes make me empathize with the many people obsessed with love & the ones that do senseless things in the name of love & the ones that are in love. Loving someone is the most selfless thing we can ever do. It takes hormones, time, faith and courage.

Man's inhumanity to man

2008-11-27T08:02:00.000-08:00

-In Nigeria, little children are killed or mutilated by their parents who believe them to be witches and wizards. http://crarn.tripod.com/id4.html
- The Mumbai terrorist attacks. 110 people were killed and 300 injured when suspected Islamic militants attacked 10 sites in Mumbai. Mostly, Americans and Britons were targeted.
- Cambodian sex slaves. Girls ranging between the ages of 7 -11 are used as sex slaves in poverty stricken Cambodia. Woman of the year Somaly Mam is trying to rescue them. Read about it http://www.somaly.org/
- Genocide in Sudan. Ethnic cleansing of hundreds of thousands of non Arabs. http://www.savedarfur.org/
- Child marriage in poverty stricken parts of Sub saharan Africa, South Asia and some Middle Eastern Countries. In Yemen, 50% of females are married before age 18. The illiteracy rate for women is 65%. You may have recently heard of Nujood Ali, she is Yemen's youngest divorcee at age 10 after being raped by her 30 year old husband.
- Uganda has child soldiers that were abducted from their families and forced to be part of the rebel group, The Lord's resistance Army. They worked as agents of death, sex slaves and porters for years. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord

There are probably more out there, but off the top of my head i could think of the 6 above and that's just sad to me. Why do my fellow human beings treat others this way?

My Quirks

2008-11-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

- I always use 2 tea bags when making a cup of tea. I have tried to use 1 but then I swear it's tasteless thus I add the 2nd in no time at all.
- I never take the 1st or last item on the shelf, unless I am mega desperate. I always take the 2nd or the middle. This applies to groceries and clothes.
-I cry at movies but I hardly cry at real life sad events like 9/11, genocide, starving kids etc.
-I always take my alarm clock when I travel for important events even though there's an alarm clock in the hotel room. I set the hotel alarm, mine and my cell phone alarm.
-I fantasize about not having to wash my hands after using the bathroom. It's only a fantasy...lol, I am programmed to wash up.
-I always add ketchup to whatever sandwich i am eating
-I always bath with smoking hot water
-My hands and feet are constantly in danger of frostbite it seems. Socks are MPB's best friends. I love goofy looking ones too but don't have many.
-Sometimes i read 2 or 3 novels at the same time.
-Whenever I eat, i have to read or watch a movie, usually the book wins. Sometimes I actually start a movie and then pause it 'cos i just have the urge to read. After eating, i then press play and continue.
-While others flip channels during commercials, i read.

travels and interviews

2008-11-22T17:26:00.000-08:00

I have begun my interview trail. Basically, we interview from Oct till Feb and then in Mar I'll know where I will be the next 4 years of my life. So this recent journey, i flew to the west coast from NC where i live. Shoo east to west travel or viceversa reminds me remarkably of flying to naija. I am the kind of person that sleeps on road trips and flights, so you know a place is far when I have had 2 bouts of sleep, wake up, and see that we aren't even remotely close to landing.

Meanwhile, airlines have become extremely CHEAP (unless it's just usairways)! So, apparently you now pay $25 for each piece of luggage you check in. Luckily, yours truly just had carry-on. So I was catching the red eye from Sacramento to NC which is a 6hr flight and i planned to sleep because I was driving straight to work from the airport. Well, you know that saying "the best laid plans..." so my ass was freezing off and i asked the stewardess for a blanket (those cheap thin blankets) and she said "i am sorry ma'am it's now for 1st class passengers only." I was in shock and basically got no sleep 'cos i was frozen. On that note, gone are the days of a cup of watered down soda and a bag of 10 peanuts or pretzels. Now, you have to pay $2 for said drnk and $5 for a snack box. I sha starved for the 1st 3hrs and then in the 4th hr I bought a drink and ate some stale cookies that must have been in my bag for a week.

On this recent trip to Arizona, i came well prepared with my winter sweatshirt even though AZ is as hot as hell, 'cos those airlines weren't getting the best of me. Yep..let's just say the plane was surprisingly hot. Sha there's still the flight back and once again I am catching the red eye and it is not cold that will stop me from sleeping this time. I also loaded my bag with 3 diffrerent kinds of snacks and bought a drink at the airport. Also, i have noticed on all my flights that all the passengers around me seem to get along and socialize with each other, but no one socializes with me. Usually, I sit by the window, bury my head in a book and pray no one talks to me but now I have begun to crave some socializing through these 6hr flights.

So my last flight i resolved to smile and say hi to whoever sits next to me, no matter how ugly they were. As luck would have it, this standoffish hot guy and his pregnant wife were my companions and I nodded my head to them and that was the extent of our interaction. LOL. Naturally, all around me were people of various ethnicities and ages having fabulous conversations with each other. In fact, right in the aisle one old white man and this young Asian guy were talking and blocking the rest of us from going to the bathroom.

Meanwhile, pregnant wife on the aisle seat was reading her "what to expect when expecting" book and kept on sharing her ridiculous insight with her hubby in the middle seat (i had the window seat) and he wouldn't even look at her or the book, just kept reading his book titled "the genesis of space" with some weird-looking diagrams and chapters. So of course my overactive imagination started speculating on how she must have trapped him into marriage. I mean hubby was cute and wifey was...umm... i guess pregnant.

more to come on my boring travels...

Incapable

2008-11-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

No I am not referring to the song by Banky W, I am referring to the ability to love "logically" rather than "emotionally." I really don't think I have the ability to love logically/rationally or rather maybe I do but in a somewhat limited fashion. I am not going to remain with an abuser just because i have "feelings". But it's hard for me to walk away from someone i like because of race, the past, distance etc. Ok all this roundabout talk, let me tell you what inspired this topic.

I just had a discussion with one of my friends. She is in my class and plans to go back to her home country (she is African) and practice medicine after residency training. "Cool" I thought, but I asked whether her current boyfriend (Sri lankan) would be willing to go live in Africa. She said "no" and in fact, nonchalantly stated that they would not be getting married. Shuo! In this day and age where it seems all the females around me are on a quest to the altar with current and future boyfriends, this was not something I hear daily. So I asked her to clarify. She talked about how they have been dating for 1.5 years and they love each other but they know they won't get married, for one thing he doesn't want kids and she wants kids. Also, she wants to go back to her country as stated earlier. She anticipates that after we graduate, they'll both go off to different locations for residency and that will be it.

I was thoroughly confused. Is "love" that easy? Is it not "love" that makes people glued at the hip? Is it not "love" that some people have killed for? Is it not "love" that causes seemingly unrepairable or at the very least; time-and-effort-to-heal emotional damage when it ends? So, how then can my friend calmly admit that she and her boo plan to walk away from their "love". She's 27 too, so it's not like she's 21 and much too young to be thinking of marriage. This guy has also been her friend since med school started so it's not like he's some random stranger people tend to date for the moment. They obviously put thought into taking their friendship of 2.5yrs to the next level of a 1.5yr relationship. So I don't understand how they have "logically" chosen their path with seemingly no qualms. The guy is my friend too, so I can't wait to corner him over a few drinks and ask for his take on the matter. Let's see what graduation in May brings for them...As for me, I am incapable.

Earth

2008-11-09T08:10:00.001-08:00

Where I live constantly reminds me of how magnificent God is; especially in the fall and spring. Here's a taste of Littletown, NC for you:

The locations include my gym, school and the park. I hope the next place I live will be as beautiful as NC, but I doubt it. lol.

2008-11-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

From Grey's Anatomy:
"Life is the most unstable, fragile, unpredictable thing there is. In fact, there is only one thing about life we can be sure of: It aint over till it's over."

From my mom:
I have learned there is little I can do in my life that will make me truly happy I must depend on God to make me happy and to meet my needs. When a need arises in my life, I have to trust God to supply according to HIS riches. I have learned most of the time I don't need half of what I think I do. He has never let me down. Since I learned that 'Secret' I am happy.'

From work today:
MPB: Hi, I'll just sit here by your station while I wait for the doctor to arrive.
Nurse: Yes ma'am
MPB: *giggles awkwardly* hmm you are the first person to call me ma'am in my life
Nurse: I just like to be safe when addressing people, plus you are probably much older than me [yes my people she did say "much"]
MPB: oh
Nurse: How old are you?
MPB: 27
Nurse: I am 19
MPB's mind: heifer, god punish your nyash. Dang i don old oh.

From the Gym:
I used to think my first love was the hottest black guy I would ever see in real life. But, the instructor for the group exercise class; "muscle and bone" absolutely trumps all! The heifer even started demonstrating one move like that (push-ups but your legs are wide apart and when coming down press the pelvis to the floor and the back is arched). Shuo, him doing it looked so sinful!! The girl beside me and I exchanged looks so at least i know this wasn't a mirage created by my purple brain. Thank God for his beautiful handwork that I can feast my eyes on.

Your Reward is in Heaven

2008-11-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

I have always hated that statement that bears the misfortune of being the title of this post. It's about as patronizing as saying "God works in mysterious ways." Aargh. Anyways, I just feel bummed. See going through medical school, I have worked hard but I always seem to come up short or mediocre. We have a number of awards people get through the years and even though a number of them are based on academics some aren't. Even academics sef; about half our grade in the clinical years is subjective. The problem with subjective systems of grading is that they are subjective. Explain how I can get a 90 on a test and the evaluator says, "MPB's presentations are above that expected of her level" but still my grade turns out to be a pass. Basically, there are courses I have felt I deserved honors in and didn't get it but I figured that since my future specialty is not that competitive and I wasn't failing, I would just let things slide. My patients telling me I'd make a good doctor one day was more satisfying.

However, today they emailed us the winners of the Gold Humanism Award. This is an award where members of my class elect classmates that seem altruistic, patient-centered, selfless etc. I wasn't one of the winners and I am just sad, because this is my thing - my patients. This is one award that I feel that i truly deserve. The one area of my life that I do not procrastinate or act lazily or selfishly in is patient care. My philosophy in the practice of medicine has always been to treat each patient as I would want to be treated. I go out of my way for patients, volunteer regularly in my community and it just sucks that no one noticed. I do not regret the effort I put into patient care and I will still continue to be a humanistic person, however sometimes it would be nice to reap my reward on earth.

2008-10-25T11:07:00.001-07:00

I pray I never have to witness or live through war.
I barged into my room mate's room and she and her boyfriend were having sex...oops.
Why is it that I can spend hours trying to get the most closed-off patient to open up to me, but I have no interest in devoting the same effort to my youngest brother? After all don't they say charity begins at home?
I am dealing with my addiction one day at a time. Yes, i do have an addiction.
I wish I was more warm and affectionate.
With all my internal reflection and "I" statements, I can't help but wonder if I am a bit of a narcissist.
What I want more than finding my love, is the ability not to think about it.
I am probably an escapist, what with my constant throng of novels and movies.

Feelings for today

2008-10-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

Woke up at 10.35am and felt.....
Fear - I had a dream or should i say nightmare in which dictator got engaged to a chick called Konga. Weird dream since I haven't thought of him for sometime now.
-Also, I was running late for church.
Joy - Was doing my chores and listening to music. Music makes me happy. Danced around the house.
Envy - My roomie was telling me how J(her new perfect BF) was going to frame some pics they took. My roomie makes bad relationship choices like more than anyone I have ever known, yet the last disaster barely just ended and this perfect dude lands right in her lap. I know I can't predict if they'll last, but i definitely like this dude for her. He is normal. However, I have a few moments of weakness where I feel slightly envious.
Overwhelmed - How will I pay for plane tickets for interviews? I need to schedule some interviews. I have to cancel some interviews. I have calls to make.
Peaceful - Watching my movies. Reading novels. Chores all done.
Troubled - Dictator came on yahoo! Didn't talk to him. Scared he'd talk to me, but he didn't. Thank goodness I think???? "Townie" and I are still unfinished.
Joy - I'll see my mono-testicled, engaged resident who I have a crush on tomorrow. I'll see my patients (their troubles are bigger than mine).
Fear - As i lie in bed trying to sleep i always think about the past and the future. I can't do anything about either, but I still fearfully fret. Must chant serenity prayer...
Goodnight

Thoughts

2008-10-09T16:53:00.001-07:00

Apathy
You know, in this period of applying to residency, I was catching up with an old buddy and she was telling me how after residency she plans to return to Nigeria practice medicine. One minute, i was in tune with her and the next, i was like wtf??? Go back to Naija to live?? Hell no! Those were my initial thoughts, but in retrospect I applaud her sentiments. Then I started realizing that of all the Africans I know, only 2 want to go back home to work. Interestingly, though there are at least 4 Caucasians in my class that want to practice medicine in Africa so that they can "help". Even during the Rwanda genocide and currently, the Dafur genocide, most of the help seems to be coming from foreigners. Where does this apathy stem from?

Friendship and guys
So I lost a friend this weekend. No they didn't die. One of my guy friends liked me and i didn't reciprocate. Anyways he read something he didn't like on my blog(didn't give him the url) kind of pertaining to him and after multiple emails back and forth, decided i was not worthy to be a friend. That's a first for me and it's not a pleasant feeling. I value friendship and so I hate to lose one for no good reason. We were not that close though so it's going to be ok for both of us. But it reminded me of how people used to tease me for always trying to pay my own way, when I hang out with a guy. I still offer to pay, but i have become more lax these days. However, this particular guy accused me of using him and I was appalled. I then thought back in my head and most times we've hung out & he drove, i always made sure I paid something or gave some gas money. I'm glad i did, 'cos now that our friendship bubble has burst and he's saying i used him, where would my pride be if i had let him just pay and pay or buy and buy for me all the time. Sha if he ever comes to my blog again, i want him to know that I never took him for granted. I had fun when we hung out and valued his opinions. I wish him luck in the love game. As far as I am concerned our friendship ended because of semantics and choice of words. Aurevoir mon ami.

Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys
I liked this movie. Not as much as "meet the browns" but i still liked it. It's funny how there are all these movies about a rich/well employed woman marrying a poorish/construction worker type man and the marriage begins to go kaput. In real life usually the consensus is that the man begins to feel insecure and resents his wife's superiority. Interestingly in the movies it's usually the wife who brings in strife by beginning to resent her husband's simplicity. She feels ashamed to bring him in public and gets tired being the major breadwinner. Either way, when i date seriously, i try to date people kind of on my level (whatever that is), 'cos I don't even want to find out who will resent who.

My Naijaness

2008-10-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

Men, I just saw the funniest thread on Naijaryders.com about things that you will see in a Nigerian house even here in Yankee (slang for America). I consider myself a pretty progressive, ultra-modern naija chick so you can imagine my horror to see that some of the items are in my crib:

1. I do not use loofahs. I have a sturdy fishnet like hard sponge directly shipped to me from the motherland.
2. I own a bucket
3. I have photo albums and I do show friends, but I offer them refreshments first :)
4. I have many empty grocery store bags. I use them though.
5. I wonder if i have the stockfish/crayfish smell in my house? i seriously doubt it though 'cos i am OCD about smells so the living room has like 3 plugins.
6. I have old seashells decorating my table in the room
7. I do have candles in my bathroom, but i don't see how that's a naija thing!
8. I have a "rag"

At least I do use my dishwasher (thanks roomie), and I feel good about that one because it saves more water than when you have to run the faucet everyday. My cousin and BFF use theirs to store dishes they've handwashed.

All things hair

2008-10-06T16:46:00.001-07:00

Men I can't say when my fascination with hair began, but it definitely took hold of me sometime when i was a child. I remember reading Rapunzel as a child and I couldn't wait to be as grown up as her so that my hair could be that long. Beans! I was a tomboy growing up and whenever well meaning relatives bought me dolls, I would decapitate them and use the heads as balls and discard the rest of the body. Looking back now, I remember that I also used the heads to practice cornrows and one day I just got it right!!! So, I never learned how to cornrow from anyone, it was a skill that i got blessed with. I graduated to doing my mom's hair and now i basically do my own hair except for when the demands of school are too much. The only thing I have never done on my hair myself is a weave, but I bet if I put my mind to it i could.

Doing my hair is one of my hobbies. It's a good thing i can do my hair myself or this hobby would be freaking expensive. I get so bored with hairstyles so I frequently change. Anyways almost 2 yrs ago, i decided to go semi natural. For one thing after all the years of perms, my hair was thinning and this is me that as a child I had a full head of hair that was breaking combs from Kaduna to Lagos! Plus, perms hurt and you have to get them every 2 months or less. Thirdly, i just wanted a change. Well as expected it's been a sl...ow process. It seemed like I was doing reverse growth, because as I feel the natchy (kinky natural hair) hair growing at the roots, then I'd trim off some straight ends. It felt like I had to so this for a year until all the straight ends were finally gone. So as you can imagine instead of the hair seeming longer, it actually seemed to be shorter or the same length, which was a lil unrewarding.

So unlike my roomie (she went natural 2yrs before me) who had never seen her natural hair in her life and was sick of the white man's definition of beauty, I definitely know what I am working with. Growing up, my brothers and i were said to have isi mkpulu ose (hair like pepper seeds) and my mom giving me my 1st perm at age 10 or so was an act of mercy 'cos i use to cry and cry and have headaches when my hair was being done prior to the perm. Plus I mentioned the breaking of combs right? Right. Anyways, as my natchy hair was growing I experimented with all sorts in the quest for softer, more manageable hair before settling on text. I must have spent up to $500 on all sorts of hair products and my most adventurous was using natural henna that i ordered online. Men, i don't care how good henna is for hair, but that was the messiest, most time consuming thing I have ever done to my hair. Plus i am now afraid I may have altered the beautiful jetblackness of my hair, but oh well, I think that will improve with each wash.

My hair journey has led me to this point where my hair is not straight and is not my virgin hair. Why? I am a texturized woman. So I had always seen people with texted short hair and admired it but it seemed to be for only short hair or men who wanted to give the illusion of waves. My viewpoint changed when I met my hair idol, this calabar girl in my class! I learned that people on the hair forums have hair idols...lol. Men, her hair was long, natural looking, but with defined curls. She was as true blooded Naija as i was, so I knew that she must have done something to it, but i didn't know what. Upon asking, she informed me that it was a texturizer (text). A text is like a perm in that you are still using sodium hydroxide on the hair, but it is milder, makes the hair more manageable, and loosens your natural curl pattern so you get some curl definition.

Unlike perms that you put in every 8 wks, you can apply a text anywhere from once a yr to 3 times a year (which is more of an extreme). With that knowledge I then visited the hair forums and boy did I get educated. I realized that like all things in life when it comes to hair care there are extremes of people. Some people wash their hair with bar soap, while others were on 6 vitamins and drank 8 glasses of water and had such a convoluted hair routine. Sha, after 1yr of natural hair growth in Nov 2007, I decided to go get my 1st text at JCPenney with an ethnic natchy hair professional 'cos when I use to do perms i was terrified of the chemical and didn't trust myself to do it myself. The hairstylist was intensely anti me putting any chemical in my hair. She had her full and beautiful afro and was like you can make it softer by coloring it; please don't texturize-it's the white man's devil chemical!

Needless to say she put the text in and washed it out immediately and i left $55 poorer with hair that was still like a brillo pad. Well better to have underprocessed hair than to have hair that is too straight abi? So, my experience with her brings me to the topic of natural hair nazis. I discovered them on my hair forum and on the streets. They range from those who believe that once you've put any chemical in your hair like a text or color you are not a natural sistah, to those that believe that unless your natural hair is in locs (dreds) then you are not a natural sistah and still buying into the white man's ideology of beauty. It is so funny because unless we texted sistahs tell you we text, you would not know!

Shoo I even went to one of these pro natural salons to get some fingercoils and the lady had all this pro natural hair paraphernalia and was complimenting how my hair texture was so beautiful and thick. As she was washing my hair, I chuckled and wondered what she would say if i told her my hair was texted oh. She'd prolly kick me out of her salon, 'cos i previously called their salon back in Nov to see if i could get my text there but they disdainfully told me, "we do not deal with hair that has been altered by any chemical..." and so I ended up with the JCpenney chick. Now here they were glorying in my "natural" hair. LMAO, in your face suckers!

The next time I texted was in March 08 and i did it myself. Luckily, with texting you just apply to hair sections with fingers and wash it out without worrying about combing through sections. I was pleased with the results. Just did my 2nd for the year last wkd which prompted this post 'cos now i think I have it down packed and I absolutely love my hair. Plus I can finally see some growth that I am pleased with. It's thick, yet has some curl definition, manageable and so versatile. I can get braids without worrying about breakage 'cos it's still stronger than my permed hair, yet i can easily straighten it with my flat iron or rollers when i so desire. And best of all, less shrinkage when you wash it like how natchy hair typically does.

Now don't be fooled 'cos it's not like texting is some holy grail. If you text for years over hair that has been previously texted you run the risk of getting the ends too straight, which is probably why you see more texturizers on people with short hair because they can just cut off the straight ends. However, my Calabar compadre has long texted hair and there are ways to prevent this e.g coating the ends with vaseline/waiting even longer between texts. Right now my plan is to text 2ce a yr. In March and at Oct/Nov. So far I haven't had that problem, but i haven't been in the game long enough, have I? So we shall see.

Also, a text is still a chemical being put on the hair, so one still has to make sure they condition and care for the hair well 'cos protein bonds were broken. I always pamper my hair so that's not an issue for me either. Lastly, texts produce different looking curls depending on your natural hair texture, so the mantra on the forums is that no 2 texted heads look the same. Some people especially the type 4b's on the forums didn't notice any changes with their hair after a text except that it was softer. That's cool in my opinion but i really hoped i'd get a lil curl definition. Luckily i did.

After months of experimenting with hair products and learning terms like; conditioner-wash, baggying, twist out, braid out, bantu knots, DC, product junkie, banding, scrunching, white crack (perms lol), napptural, sealing, growth challenges, protective styling, i think i have found my staples. I believe in Silk Elements texturizers, Scurl moisturizer activator, karen body beautiful (KBB) moisturizing milk, KBB hair butter for my twists, fantasia IC sparklites gel, pantene hydrating curls for my conditioner washes, conditioner washes, minimizing heat, youtube hair videos, fingers as my best styling tool, and being grateful for whatever hair I have. Conditioner wash: If you are struggling with dryness, you might want to use a conditioner as your shampoo every 3 days or more. Conditioners can clean hair and add a moisturizing effect. Shampoo strips dirt off but also strips your natural hair oils, so I only shampoo after I have had braids or every 2 months or I did a style that required lots of gel. Another thing I learned is to avoid hair products with mineral oil or petrolatum. You should google how these products can affect your black hair no matter what texture. I also learned about hair types and I am a 4a.

Anyways for those of you that want to learn about hair, here are some links: www.blackhairmedia.com/forum , www.longhaircare.com , www.nappturality.com

Final word: when it comes to your hair don't buy into the white or black man's mentality just buy into yours because it's your hair and you are the one that has to deal with it and live with it.

A date and a half

2008-10-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

Truly I dunno how I get into these situations. Not necessarily bad situations, but situations that are not necessary. Ok oh so let me begin by confessing, indeed i do know how i get into these situations...it is because I find it hard to say "no" to certain things. It is hard for me not to give a guy my number when he asks for it. It is hard not to go out on that 1st date when he asks when i am clearly not attracted or he is not educated enough or unsuitable in some other way. Finally it is hard for me to say no to a guy that asks to dance with me. I dunno why this is the case 'cos I have decent self esteem all things considering and usually I can extricate myself from the situation after I have felt like I have done my duty of 1 or 2 phone calls/dates/dances (truly hideous/morbidly obese fellas only get 1 dance though).

Anyways, so about a month ago I went to a club with a couple of friends including 2 guys that may have been interested in me. Anyways, so here i was trying to juggle 2 of them while having fun, and this skinny as in really SKINNY dude walks up to me and starts saying how beautiful i am blah blah and wants to dance. So we dance, and as we are doing so, I look and see my girlfriends laughing and oh yes best believe I knew why. You see, homeboy was ski...nny and was wearing the tightest jeans and shirt i have ever seen on a non-gay homie. He also loved gyrating. If I was them I'd be laughing too! Anyways, he asked me for my number and maybe it was seeing my pals chuckling or it was the stress of already having 2 toasters, but I actually got brave and kind of said NO. Ok I didn't but I chuckled enigmatically (i hope) and told him that he's drunk right now and if he ever ran into me again i would give it to him.

Now, you all know I live in Littletown, NC. Well he lives 45mins away in Clubtown, NC and i hate driving so i knew the chances of him seeing me soon were pretty slim. Oh and btw, homie is from Kosovo so I now understood his fashion sense 'cos we all know how these Europeans are. So on Fri. my friends and I went clubbing in Clubtown, NC to a totally diff club and guess who I run into? Yep the Ballcrusher (I will refer to him as this henceforth 'cos that's what his pants must be doing to his you-know-whats)! He definitely remembered our deal and this time I felt like I had no way out and gave him the digits. No guessing games here, he has been calling me since Fri and wants to hang out. Long story short, he decided to take me out for coffee. I said yes, and had a panic moment in which I called my BFF and others to find out if i should text him and say I changed my mind 'cos I am not feeling him. But everyone was unavailable so we went.

This wasn't no ordinary date. During the course of our convo over the phone, i found out he got a DUI 4 months ago, so 1 of his friends was going to bring him for our date. So Ballcrusher, friend and I went to get coffee. He & I sat at the back while friend drove...on 1 hand, i was reminded of Naija days and having a driver, on the other hand I was like this is kind of "different"and ridiculous. Anyways, it actually ended up being a really nice time. He talked about his culture, family and he even told me a few riddles. No guy has ever asked me riddles on a date, so he got huge marks for creativity 'cos we had good laughs over the ridiculous answers his friend and I kept coming up with. They came home with me and my roomie had a date there, so all 5 of us had drinks and chilled. Ballcrusher works as a soil tester for when people are building homes (whatever that means), does not make a habit of getting DUIs 'cos he was contrite, and was cool overall BUT....................

THOSE TIGHT ASS PANTS...CHEI!!!!

Anyways, he kept holding my hand and saying how he loved my smile, you know being sweet. Finally they had to go and now he wants to know when we can hang out again or rather when I can come see him, since he can't drive for a year with the whole DUI thing. I just smiled and told him to call me tomorrow and now I have to prepare myself to give him the speech, 'cos try as i might, the skinniness and tight ass pants don't do it for me. I have never been on a chaperoned date before so that's why I thought it was worthy of mention. The good thing was he couldn't attempt to give me a gnite kiss in front of his friend....hee hee. So now you see how I went on my first date and a half. Ciao.

A day in the life...

2008-09-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

Ooooooh so at salsa like 1.5 months ago, some exotic looking chick came up to me to ask my name. I told her and we made small talk. She's from Algeria. She's thick and gorgeous with long black hair and looks a little Eritrean. Anyhow, she then launches into how her friend she came with, some black guy digs me and wants to talk to me. Already a turn off because who the hell sends their female friend over to make a move in this day and age? But sha I looked across at the bar to see what he looked like (lol not like that would impact my decision oh..but still). Anyways, I didn't even have the inclination to register if he was hot or not, all I saw was homeboy looking smug and as relaxed as can be on the bar stool! I saw red, 'cos WTF, you mean this knucklehead wasn't even geeky/shy/humble-looking yet he didn't have the balls to step up himself? Now i was really turned off and told her that I was dating someone (big fat lie). She went away.

Fast forward to yesterday. I went salsaing and guess who I saw? Yep, the duo. They walked in hand in hand or more accurately; ass in hand. She looked hot in an expensive looking get up. He had his hands on her ass and honestly I was willing to bet money that they've been involved in horizontal exercises a lot. Then he called her baby and they grabbed a table nearby. Anyways, they definitely had a thing and I was curious as to why she tried to hook me up with him if they were together or one of them fancied the other? Either way, I'm glad i escaped that bullet and it reminded me of how I often fall into the trap of thinking how I must be cursed by God since I seem to make so many opposite sex mistakes, not remembering times like this when God has saved me from relationship mistakes. Thank God oh. On that note sha, I am letting my imagination roam free as to what mystery couple could be up to when they approached me. Maybe they were swingers who wanted me. Maybe he's a drug dealer = lots of money, so even though she might not really fancy him she's deciding to give him her ass and hence she's compensated with nice clothes and accessories. Maybe they wanted to sell me to a human trafficking ring in Algeria. Hee hee I don't know and I don't care.

Sex and the city inspired...

2008-09-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

Hmm I just realized that one of my fav words i like to write is "..." Yeah you are right, that's not a word, but the trailing dots actually convey my thoughts at any given time. I always feel like no matter how much i say there's still more i'd like to say without being able to find the right words to fully express myself. Anyways, i digress. I just wanted to talk a little about love and my incessant need for it. Just watched Sex and the City which inspired this post. I loved the movie, complete with its corny moments. As Big knelt down and said "Carrie, love of my life..." my heart just became mush. When will someone ever say words like that to me? Will someone ever say words that convey the depths of their love to me? I truly don't know. What I do know is that no matter how I try to ignore it or hate it or scoff at it, the truth is that I am a sucker for love. I freaking crave love and maybe that's human nature but I say "whatever".

I think my craving is unhealthy, because I feel like i am setting myself up for failure. Why? Because even if I crave love, I should focus on the aspects of security, respect, growing into love and not getting carried away by tingling sensations, helpmate, compatibility etc. Yes, I do want those things but in my heart of hearts, simply put: I desire a soul mate. However, if I can't get a soul mate, i want someone I can laugh with, you know sharing our inside jokes, giggling, heads together just chuckling. I want us to spend countless minutes staring into each other's eyes. I read a lot so I was feeling Carrie's book of love letters from great men; love expressed in words shacks my head so much, i can't even explain it. I can read a love letter or card written to me 100x and never get tired of it. All around me I see signs of the love I want, which implies that it may exist and this feeds my unhealthy fantasy.

For example, I want the love, where if i am sick in the hospital, not looking my best to say the least, he comes in daily to kiss me, touch me and say how much he loves me while offering comfort (inspired by my patient and her husband). I want a love where we bring out the best in each other without demanding (my classmate just randomly decided to stop cussing when he started dating his wife). I want a love where I can be my goofy, emotional, hard but oh so soft, sensual self. I want a love where I can give 100% of myself without worrying about vulnerability or if it will be reciprocated. I want a love that's mine now and forever. Does such a thing exist for me? Well only time will tell and I'll keep you posted.

2 posts in 1 day?

2008-09-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

http://goodnaijagirl.com/things-i-have-never-heard-a-naija-man-say/

So I finished posting and started going about the business of catching up with blogs i read and then stumbled onto this interesting post by good naija girl and I just had to respond. There are 5 things she's never heard a naija guy say. I have only had 1, i repeat 1 out of the 100s of naija men I know fulfill 2 out of the 5. With item number 2 the guy just acted and didn't go through the preamble of "i planned a surprise". He literally whisked me away to a resort in Sedona and the second thing he fulfilled was wanting me to express my thoughts or feelings i.e. item number 4. Some might say that he could have done the latter to get to know me and manipulate my feelings. But whatever his reasons, he asked, listened and remembered. This dude was Arizona guy, my first true love and it's no wonder to me why I loved him. He's the closest I've seen to what my ideal man would be. For the record in non-naija guys I have heard 1-4 but I have never met a man that expressed number 5.